Why? Because you love yourself. Don’t you? How do you know if you do?
One way you might measure your self-love is if you think you’re WORTH THE EFFORT—worth the effort to take heed of yourself; to encourage and nurture yourself; to take care of YOU—mind, body, and soul. We (as women) take care of others as a matter of fact/rule/expectations/desire. It goes without saying. Why, then, don’t we take care of ourselves?
I hear and see all kinds of reasons: too tired; too broke; too distracted; too unwilling; too sick; too unaware; too incapable.
I have another theory: too self-loathing—the mirror opposite of self-love—and a creepy concept. “You mean I don’t like myself?” So creepy in fact you rarely hear about it. With all the women’s issues being discussed in the media, you rarely hear about this one addressed in quite this way.
I think this is really an important statement:
According to psychoanalyst Karen Homey, “The term ‘self-hatred’ is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as ‘persons with low self-esteem.’”
People will admit to low self-esteem. Call it what you want. Here are the symptoms:
1. Harshly self-critical. (You beat yourself up over perceived faults and mistakes.)
2. Harshly self-accusing. (Negative self-talk.)
3. Relentless demands on the self – usually in search of perfection and/or to prove worthiness. (Workaholics take note.)
4. Self-destructive behavior – Alcohol and drug abuse; self-harm like cutting; eating disorders; over shopping, over exercising, over working, over obsessing, over anything.
There are others, but you get the gist. (This is supposed to be an uplifting blog!)
How do we get like this?
For women, I’m blaming our American culture first and foremost.
Here’s a disturbing statistic from an article called How to Raise Girls with Healthy Self-Esteem by Anita Gurian, PhD. (I’ve also heard this research conclusion based on other studies.)
A girl reaches her PEAK of Self-Esteem at the age of NINE years old.
Can you believe it? We’re at our kick-*ss best at nine?! After that self-esteem plunges. That’s devastating. Why does this happen?
Here’s the whole explanation:
http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/how_raise_girls_healthy_selfesteem
But if you don’t have time to read it, here is an excerpt:
When and why does girls’ self-esteem drop?
* Starting in the pre-teen years, there is a shift in focus; the body becomes an all consuming passion and barometer of worth.
* Self-esteem becomes too closely tied to physical attributes; girls feel they can’t measure up to society standards.
* Between 5th and 9th grade, gifted girls, perceiving that smarts aren’t sexy, hide their accomplishments.
* Teenage girls encounter more “stressors” in life, especially in their personal relationships, and react more strongly than boys to these pressures, which accounts in part for the higher levels of depression in girls.
* The media, including television, movies, videos, lyrics, magazine, internet, and advertisements, portray images of girls and women in a sexual manner—revealing clothing, body posture and facial expressions—as models of femininity for girls to emulate.
Dr. Gurian concludes at the end:
It is within the family that a girl first develops a sense of who she is and who she wants to become. Parents armed with knowledge can create a psychological climate that will enable each girl to achieve her full potential. Parents can help their daughters avoid developing, or overcome, negative feelings about themselves and grow into strong, self-confident women.
For those of us who are past the girl stage and want to be strong, self-confident women (and minus the self-loathing stuff), what are we to do? First, we need to recognize the negative messages bombarding us. We have to make sure that they do not penetrate our psyche and demoralize us.
On a personal level we need to be kind to ourselves and value ourselves because we KNOW that we are worth it. If we value ourselves, whose to say we aren’t valuable?
Here’s a great way: We can give ourselves a Valentine. And here’s how. First, you MUST set aside time to do this FUN activity. Remember: You are worth it!
Buy a box of chocolates (the kind that comes with a lid). A one-pound box will do, with about 15-20 pieces. (Sees Candy costs about $13.) Make sure it is the kind where the chocolates or candies come in the little wrapper cups.
Pick out your ONE favorite piece and set it aside. Leaving the wrapper cups, remove the other pieces of candy and put them in a bag.
Count the left-over wrappers. For instance, if there are fourteen empty wrapper cups, you must think up 14 POSITIVE things about yourself. SUCH AS:
1.. The kind of person you are: loyal, trustworthy, intelligent, helpful, funny, caring, honorable, creative, informed, whimsical, empathetic, spiritual, artistic, generous, serious, friendly, honest, romantic, goofy, musical, possibility thinker, hospitable, mature, athletic, etc.
2. Things that you’re good at. These can be big-ticket items like parenting or running your household or your profession. Or activities like volunteering, walking the dog, flower arranging, knitting, entertaining, reading, scrapbooking, blogging, keeping in touch, choosing wine, finding bargains, gardening, dancing, playing sports, baking a birthday cake, antiquing, singing, auto repair, filling out your tax forms, styling hair, flossing, packing a suitcase, folding towels, etc. (Remember: Everyone has talents!)
On little pieces of paper (that will fit inside the candy wrappers), WRITE DOWN your positive qualities and the things you are good at. Put them in the wrappers. You can decorate the paper and the box if you like.
Write on the top:
To Me,
XOXO,
From Me
As a reward for undertaking this project, you can enjoy the ONE piece of chocolate as you look for a special place to store your box. As for the rest of the chocolates, throw them in the garbage. That’s a much better repository for sugar than your body.
With this box, you have created YOUR OWN UNIQUE CONTAINER OF PERSONAL SWEETNESS.
This box is your Valentine to YOU.
Anytime you need validating, a pep talk, some TLC, a boost to your self-esteem, or proof of your self-worth, open the box and read the little pieces of papers.
So much better for you than the original chocolates!
