Good Riddance to the “American” Russian Spies – What a Bunch of Wackos!

Of all the things my parents were (that I yip about to this day), at least they weren’t Russian spooks masquerading as middle-class Americans! Geez, there’s a life.

I wonder if these Russian spies—so enthralled with espionage and secret agenting—ever thought about what effect these activities might have on their children? Or were they too busy playing with a James Bond exploding pen and a “Get Smart” telephone shoe?

Let’s take the “Murphys” (“Richard” and “Cynthia”) from Montclair, NJ. Real names: Vladmir and Lydia Guryev. They’ve been living in the U.S. since the mid 1990s. They have two daughters, ages 11 and 8. “Richard” was a house-hubby. “Cynthia” recently earned an MBA degree. She worked for an accounting firm in Manhattan at a salary of $135K per year. Gee, tough life.

I bet that salary afforded a pair of designer jeans. Or two.

I wonder how after experiencing America as long as the “Murphys” have that they think Russia is the better place?

I wonder how they believe that the Gulag Commie government is preferable to a government run by special interests BUT at least has a Constitution that TRIES to uphold the guarantee of unalienable rights and equality for all?

But here’s the part that kills me: the difference between living with democracy and living under an oppressive dictatorship. The difference is what FREEDOM produces.

Let’s compare:

Russia invented vodka, blini (skinny pancakes), borscht (beet soup), shchi (cabbage/sauerkraut soup),  ukha (fish soup), rassolnik (pickled cucumber, barley, and beef kidney soup), and kvass (fermented rye bread drink).

America invented chocolate chip cookies, potato chips, cotton candy, popsicles, soft-serve ice cream, corn dogs, TV dinners, breakfast cereal, and bubble gum—not to mention the diner and fast-food/drive-thru restaurants.

Russia invented rhythmic gymnastics, the “sport” where women hop around with hoops and scarves.

America invented baseball, softball, football, volleyball, Frisbee golf, water skiing, stock car racing, racquetball, snowboarding, and windsurfing.

Russia invented a boyar (fur hat) and a sarafan (long shapeless jumper dress).

America invented Levis, the cowboy hat, and sunglasses. (Not to mention nylon, Gore Tex, polar fleece, acrylic fiber, polyester, ‘permanent press,’ and spandex.)

Russia invented radial keratotomy (eye correction surgery).

America invented the polio, shingles, Hepatitis B, and HPV vaccines, bone marrow transplant, heart-lung machine, artificial heart and liver, biofeedback, fetal surgery, chemotherapy, cardiopulmonary resuscitation, birth control pills, Heimlich maneuver, nicotine patch, defibrillator, flexible urethral catheter, PET scans, MRIs, recombinant DNA, EEG brain topography, pneumoencephalography, hearing aid, and glucose meter. (Don’t forget the Thigh Master!)

Russia invented the theremin (the worst musical instrument ever).

America invented the electric guitar. Also the electric iron, electric shaver, electric blanket, electric doorbell, electric garbage disposal, electric traffic light, electric Christmas lights, electric mixer, and electric burglar alarm. That’s because an American invented ELECTRICITY!

As far as I can tell, Russia has invented NO home or garden appliances nor personal care products of note.

On the other hand, America invented the radio, telephone, television, personal computer, optical space telescope, refrigeration, air conditioning, thermostat, the dishwasher, sewing machine, microwave oven, vacuum cleaner, pop-up toaster, coffee percolator, Franklin stove, phonograph, atomic clock, fly swatter, mail-order catalogue, rolled toilet paper, clothes pins, safety pins, hangers, zippers, staple remover, tampons, drinking straw, pet rock, paper towels, deodorant, bubble wrap, masking tape, post-it notes, crayons, fountain pen, adhesive bandages, tea bags, dental drill, swivel chair, urinal, mason jar, ear muffs, instant camera, the Teddy Bear, cash register, comic books, Ferris Wheel, wrench, trampoline, filing cabinet, cotton swabs, dental floss, hair spray, air sickness bags, circular saw, cable TV, 8-track, CDs, digital camera, DVR, video games, email, voice mail, jungle gym, cruise control, auto-pilot, the recliner, the beach ball, cat litter, disposable diaper, smoke detector, tilt-n-roll luggage, cooler, Mars Rover, bar code/UPC, golf cart, leaf blower, artificial snow maker, crash test dummy, wet suit, juke box, drive-in movie theatre, and the supermarket (and cart, too).

My favorites: the credit card, teeth-whiteners, self-tanners, and BLOGGING!

Russia invented a wooden plough called a sokha.

America invented the mechanical reaper, combine harvester, milling machine, tractor, cotton gin, and bulldozer—not to mention the automobile (plus assembly-line production), the airplane, nuclear submarine, motorcycle, tow truck, chuck wagon, flat boat, personal watercraft, self-balancing personal transporter, and liquid-fuel rocket.

I could go on and on with all the American computer/internet/high tech related inventions and associated cutting-edge U.S. companies. I could on and on with the American scientific discoveries/inventions (like the particle accelerator, crystal oscillator, superheterodyne receiver, dendrochronology, fluxgate magnetometer, proton therapy, cloud seeding, radiocarbon dating, Yerkes spectral classification, Amers uranium ore process, etc.).

Russia can claim the Periodic Table. Period. She can also claim the “Russian Empire.”

America can claim “The Empire Strikes Back.” And Mickey Mouse, E.T, Shrek, and Simba. Can Russia match them? Or Bart Simpson, Woody the Cowboy, Huckleberry Finn, Bugs Bunny, Atticus Finch, Rocky Balboa, Mary Richards, Holden Caufield, Kermit and Miss Piggy, Dorothy, Superman, Tommy Gavin, Batman, Lucy Ricardo, Dora the Explorer, Mike Hammer, Carrie Bradshaw, G.I. Joe, Puff the Magic Dragon, The Cat in the Hat, Nancy Drew, Indiana Jones, Captain Ahab, and Captain Underpants? I could go on and on.

And the same for comparing all the arts—and once again, America would win by a landslide. See what FREEDOM can do for you!

So I gotta ask you “Murphys:” Which country IS BETTER? You must really like soup.

Do you think you’ll be earning $135K in Siberia? Do you think Russia will reward you for GETTING CAUGHT! Did Putin let you keep the designer jeans?

Here’s what I think: One of these days when you’re living on a glacier making ice cubes for a living, bet you’ll wish you had a jack hammer. Or snow cone machine. NYET! Invented in America.

And one day your daughters are going to say to you, WTF were you thinking, Batya and Matushka? We never even got to go to Disneyland. And this sarafan makes me look fat!”

P.S. To the F.B.I.: How did you catch the “Murphy’s?” Were they eating too much borscht?

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