In light of the dark side of the Catholic Church that continues to emerge—this time in a letter from the Vatican in 1997 to bishops in Ireland warning them NOT to report priest abuse to the police—I can’t say I’m surprised. Sickened yet once again by the wicked practices of “men of God,” sure. But it’s the sickness in the Catholic Church that must be addressed—once and for all.
Here’s what I would do if I were Pope.
First, I would do what all Popes do: pretend that God spoke directly to me.I would proclaim that God gave me a direct command to order ALL Catholic Church personnel stationed anywhere in the world (including the Vatican) to pack their bags.
Second, I’d relocate ALL of them to the Blasket Islands, off the coast of County Kerry in Ireland. These harsh, primitive, windswept uninhabited islands are perfect for reflection and isolation from human beings. (As far as what kinds of shenanigans go on amongst the staff, I don’t care.)
Third, I’ll tell them all to learn how to swim. Then I’d tell them that if they were NOT GUILTY of any despicable, perverted, wicked behavior, they were allowed to attempt to swim the three or so miles to the mainland and get their jobs back.
HOWEVER, I would let them know that God told me that He knows ALL the guilty parties. [And He really does. This part is not fiction!]
If any of the priests (or other personnel) attempt the swim and are guilty as sin, then God plans to drown them—in a particularly gruesome way—maybe involving a burning bush…or the knife that Abraham was supposed to sacrifice Isaac with…or a school of Moby Dicks that swallow up humans but don’t spit them out like what happened to Jonah.
As for me, the Pope, I would stay in the Vatican and spend my time shoe shopping and interviewing women (single or married, straight or gay) for the priesthood as I wait for any non-guilty priests to make it to Ireland. If NONE of them make it, then it would be time to START OVER FROM SCRATCH.
Sounds like the perfect solution to me!
