Now it’s Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho — and back to the mall I go.
A lot of re-gifting in my family. It’s just been that kind of year…
I have to return:
1. The Amish Man Door Knocker - Pull his beard and his spooky eyes open and the clapper goes clang clang clang. A little creepy. For fans of kitsch, conservative religious sects, ZZ Top, or Rasputin.
2. A half-used bottle of Nine Flags International men’s cologne. I think it was the “Sweden” fragrance. But it was hard to tell because the label was so faded. I hope there’s a “Return Gifts from the 60s Kiosk” at my mall.
If the bottle is the “Sweden” scent, someone needs to tell those Scandinavian men that you EAT fish, not SMELL like it.
3. Dearly-departed StepMother Helga’s hand-knitted hippie sweater from the LBJ Administration:
Hand-made sweater with label: "Made especially for you by Norma Berkson" -- whoever that is.
It’s hard to photography the real colors, which include fluorescent hot pink and lime green.
Actually, this sweater is so hideous it’s kinda cute in a tacky-wacky way. I MAY keep it after all. But first I have to wash it. It reeks of Shalimar.
4. Aunt Agnes’s hand-me-down vintage mink collar. No way will this thing touch my body. Quick — someone call a PETA person!
Oops — no need. My neighbor’s dog, Sully, dragged it into the backyard and buried it.
Who knew a second death could be worse...
Hey, Sully, good job. You can keep your new “friend.”
Santa did a good job, too. Here’s what is NOT being returned to the mall:
Georgina Goodman floral watercolor satin platform ankle boot with patent leather toe.
Goodman booties — oh goody!
ALSO:
Genuine MLB autographed baseball.
Timmy Lincecum (SF Giants ace pitcher who wears #55) limited edition autographed ball: No. 55 out of 55. Somebody in my house was ecstatic.
Sully, if you get near this ball, you’ll end up in WORSE condition than your new furry “friend”!!
