Toni Dockter: Filosophy with a Fuchsia Flair

As the last POTUS, the Shrub, has said, let history judge his administration. For me in sizing up the success of  the Obama presidency, if the ONLY thing he accomplishes during his term is fixing the “fatherhood situation” in America, then I’ll put him in the “Good President” pile.

Improving father-children relationships would make a HUGE difference in the lives of many thousands of kids. And you can’t put a price on that. Or the value to society. As POTUS said on Sunday, “The work of raising our children is the most important job in this country.”

I agree. I would rather live in a country where banks, health insurance companies, and big business rip us off with no help or relief from the bought-and-paid-for politicians in Washington IF American families were intact and kids were doing OK (in life and school).

For two Father’s Day in a row, President Obama has admonished men with offspring to step up to the plate and BE FATHERS. He gave a terrific speech at a town hall in the Washington, D.C. area. The part about his own love for being a dad was heartwarming. (But he gets my vote for ‘good Dad.’ Not ‘great Dad’ as he is setting a bad example with the smoking. Ugh.)

In his speech, Obama talked about personal responsibility, the role of fathers, and the harmful consequences to children who are fatherless. He said:

“We know that children who grow up without a father are more likely to live in poverty. They’re more likely to drop out of school. They’re more likely to wind up in prison. They’re more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They’re more likely to run away from home. They’re more likely to become teenage parents themselves.”

Obama emphasized the need for fathers to be present in their children’s lives as a way to show them that they matter. Everybody knows that the more people who love a child, the better off that child will be. A loving family does instill self-esteem, confidence, and other positive psychological traits.

Ideally, all kids wants want the “perfect family”—Mom AND Dad in the same house and a Mom and Dad who love and nurture them. For lots of reasons that doesn’t work out. And when that doesn’t work out, whose priority takes precedence? Mom’s? Dad’s? Or the kids’?

Obama stated there wasn’t much a government could do legislate fatherhood. He added, “But what we can do is send a clear message to our fathers that there is no excuse for failing to meet their obligations.”

I beg to differ, Mr. President. And I say this from personal experience. The family court systems in the U.S. are predominantly pro-Mom. Why not legislate the bias out of the family court system?

In addition, the family court system is not family-friendly. For some parents, dealing with the family court system is one nightmare after another. Judges win. Lawyers really win. Parents lose. Children REALLY LOSE.

In California for example, there is no enforcement of family court rulings, such as visitation and residency requirements, without the use of attorneys and without an excessively long time involvement. To achieve parity or fairness, the average American parent does not have the money, time, legal expertise, or immunity to the super-charged stress and emotional battering that the family court system heaps on them.

Lastly, in response to the “no excuse” clause in Obama’s speech, there IS a viable excuse for fathers unable to pursue a relationship with their children: the MOTHER of those children.

Obama, you can scold fathers all you want for not being present in their children’s lives—and yes, any amount of them is unacceptable. But you also have to scold MOTHERS for their part in this predicament and  THINKING THAT FATHERS DON’T MATTER—and there are plenty of them out there.

You need to scold mothers for being so angry with the father of their child/children that they make it a mission to destroy that relationship without a valid reason. Scold those mothers who use their children as pawns in their on-going war with their exes. I know mothers who have successfully taught their children to hate their fathers. The psychological damage is deep and long lasting.

President Obama, I applaud your Fatherhood Initiative. But don’t forget to tell mothers that fathers are just as important as they are in raising happy well-adjusted children.

Tell mothers that having an affair with the butcher from Safeway, throwing out the decent father, moving the butcher in the house with her three school-age children, alienating those children from their nice father and his nice family, moving the children away from the court-designated area, making those children write heinous letters of hate with preposterous untrue claims about their father and sending the letters to a family court judge, and….

I could go on. You get the picture. Sure, tons of men are douche bags when it comes to the welfare of their children. But so are some mothers. I know yours was a saint. But not all are.

How about if you tell the subset of mothers who teach their children to hate their fathers that they are in essence teaching that child to hate half of him/herself. (Does anyone think that is a beneficial way to raise children?)

On behalf of all the children out there being damaged by warring mothers, it needs to be said that CHILDREN ARE NOT AMMUNITION.

How about an equal-opportunity scolding on Mother’s Day? Or would you lose too many votes?

P.S. Maybe next year on Father’s Day you can stand on the doorstep of the writer Christopher Buckley, a rich white guy who voted for you, and scold HIM for abandoning his son.

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