I have “a friend.” Let’s call her Penelope. She has a new boyfriend. Let’s call him Richard. It’s a new relationship—about eight months.
They’re both mature adults—terrific people. She’s divorced; he’s widowed. Their kids are grown.
They’re from the same age group and same educational/professional level. They hail from the same area and have (more or less) the same backgrounds.
They’re both smitten with each other. She calls him, “The love of my life.” He says he wants to “spoil her forever.” They enjoy each other’s company immensely.
Question #1: So what’s the problem?
Answer: Their differing views on money. Penny obsesses over money. Rich doesn’t. Penny talks about money A LOT. Rich doesn’t.
Penny likes to eat 99-cent hamburgers because they are such a bargain. Rich likes The Cheesecake Factory. Penny shops for herself (and everyone else) at garage sales. Rich shops at stores.
Penny has kept a record of every penny she has spent for over thirty years. I know of no other person who does this.
Rich has mentioned marriage. Penny pooh-poohs the idea. She says she was “too burned” from her last marriage (that ended over 25 years ago). Rich is NOTHING like Penny’s ex. Rich actually loves Penny—and you can tell he truly cares about her by the way he treats her with kindness, respect, and generosity. (Gee, what a concept…)
According to relationship experts, there are three areas that cause the most problems for couples. These are communication, sex, and money. Penny and Rich don’t have the first two.
But they are on two different wavelengths when it comes to spending money.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker if both accept how the other handles money—OR they are able to compromise (so as not to drive each other crazy). I think trouble will brew when one-half of a couple wants to change the way the other handles money because he/she thinks his/hers is the better way.
Age plays a big part in this equation. Young couples probably all need financial counseling. Middle-aged people with their houses paid off, not so much.
I think as a “mature adult” the relationship we have with money is pretty well set in our psyche. The way we value money is deeply ingrained in us—like a core belief—like religion. Some people assign a huge value to money. Some don’t. Some worship it. Some don’t.
I think when you question how a person handles his/her money, it is similar to questioning his/her religion. You would never say, “I don’t think you should be a Presbyterian. You should be a Lutheran.” OK, some people do—but that’s rude. It’s presumptuous and insulting. It’s also hurtful.
I would imagine Rich gets his feelings hurt when he suggests a particular restaurant to dine at and Penny says, “No, no, no! Too expensive.” Then they go to a cheaper place.
Question #2: Why don’t you want to marry the love of your life, especially when you haven’t had a fantastic romantic relationship for decades and now you do and you ain’t getting any younger?
Answer: In this case, I think Penny doesn’t want to combine finances. I think she values money more than she does “love.”
I don’t think this bodes well for a long-lasting relationship.
I really hope your friends can get it worked out. They sound really happy together, except the money issue. My hubby does tend to spoil me and let me get what I want if we can afford it, etc. My hubby also waited 20 years for me and we have a very special relationship. We don’t, however argue over money. EVER! He goes to a counselor for PTSD and of course the counselor wants me to come to some sessions, and every time, again because of the PTSD (Thanks Iraq) it’s our communication. But, not even the communication is really messed up because we communicate well, just not all the time. (If you can understand that.) Our counselor is amazed because we’re the minority. Yes, we both worry about money…who doesn’t? But, we never argue over it! I think compromise would be good for your friends…if they go out one time, go where she wants to go, and the next time, go where he wants to go…etc ( I hope you see the concept here.) this way, they’re both happy and they both get what they want. As for your friend keeping track of every penny for 30 years…can she teach me how to do that??? LOL just a little bit of that!
HUGZ
Marci