In my bog of 9/25/09 (and also Podcast #4) I mentioned how my family—really my Mom and us kids along with her—got the boot from the neighborhood Catholic Church. I was around seven at the time. I didn’t give a hoot.
I was a little more bothered when I noticed a church I had been attending for over eight years as an adult gave me the heave-ho—or at least rolled up the welcome mat.
I’m pretty sure it was because I quit giving money. Or maybe because I complained a couple times? Once in writing. Once in person. I guess churches can’t take criticism.
I have to say, this particular church in question drove me crazy anyway. I attended because I really liked the sermons. But I hated the church atmosphere. I hated the rituals. I hated the rules. All I wanted to do was “hear the Word.” Learn something valuable. Not bother anybody. Mind my own business. But why don’t churches let you do that?
Why isn’t there a section in the sanctuary for people who want to sit in quiet reflection? Meditate by themselves. Why do churches have to turn Sunday morning into a big social scene?
Why is there a Cry Room for crying babies but the parents don’t use it? Is it because they want to “socialize” with a crowd of people more than they care if the people around them can actually “hear the Word?”
Why do you have “greet people?” It’s so fake. Is the person sitting next to you really happy to see you? Are you really happy to meet them? You know you’ll never see that person again.
Why do you have to shake people’s hands? Statistics show that 75% of Americans don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Statistics show that the handles of grocery store shopping carts are covered in microscopic fecal matter. So are movie theatre seats. (Don’t go the movies in shorts!)
I never shake hands in church. It’s a matter of taking care of my health. I don’t have health insurance ON PURPOSE. Consequently, I don’t engage in risky behavior. I don’t partake of the sacrament of germ spreading.
Have you ever noticed how many people hack, cough, and sneeze their way through a sermon? Can’t they stay home? Guess not. I guess they don’t want to miss the social scene more than they care if they are incubating the Second Coming—of The Plague.
When it comes to the part of the service when the hand shaking is ordered, I just look like a dope and say, “I don’t shake hands.” People look irritated, judgmental—you know, real Christian-like.
I could add, “Because I don’t want your germs.” But that’s not polite.
I’d also like to turn around to the kid behind me who has been kicking the back of my seat for the last half-hour while his parents stare into oblivion, and say, “Knock that off or I’ll knock your block off!” But that’s not polite either.
But here’s my biggest gripe:
Why do you have to stand up and sit down all the time? Do you absorb the message better from an upright position? Do you sing better when standing? Does it matter how you sing? Are we there to sing better? Why do we even have to sing? Can’t we just enjoy the music or enjoy the choir? They’re the “professionals.”
I never feel like “shouting to the Lord” in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. I’m sure there are others sitting in the pews that don’t want to stand up either. Like old people with rickety knees or bad hips.
I’m sure there are others who don’t want to stand up and engage in the faux-gleeful singing. Like people who are having a hard time in life.
But they do anyway. Not me. I don’t stand up as ordered and I don’t sing if I don’t know the song and/or I don’t like it (like “Silent Night”—worst Christmas song ever).
I think Jesus was on to something when he called people his sheep. People are sooo sheepish in church. People will do anything a pastor or priest tells them to do. I guess they think they have to—since these guys are supposedly so righteous and all the rest of us are regular sinners.
I have a theory about the stand up and sit down routine—as ordered by the guy at the front of the room. All churches do it. It’s a subtle form of mind control. If you control someone’s physical behavior, it’s easier to control his/her mind. It’s like TPTB don’t want to let you decide for yourself if you’re buying the spiel from the guy at the front of the room.
Are religious thoughts and critical thinking skills incompatible?
In addition, the stand up sit down routine goes right along with the orders to read, recite, repeat, pray, do this, do that, now GIVE ME YOUR MONEY! I bet church offerings would be a whole lots less if they were taken at the beginning of the service as opposed to the end. But they wait for the mind control and guilt to kick in!
I guess with that attitude (and the two complaints I made) I should not be surprised I was de-friended by this church. (Where, what, who when, and how to be in another blog.) Except that I always thought church was for the more heathenish among us. Angels don’t need church. They’re already perfect.
Church is for people who NEED to hear the Word. But I guess at that particular church you NEED to be more sheep-like to fit in.
