OK, I know I’m NOT watching American Idol any more, BUT if I were going to turn on the television on January 12, I would miss Paula Abdul—terribly.
Last year when the AI producers refused to renegotiate Paula’s contract after giving hefty raises to Simon Cowell (deserves it) and Ryan Seacrest (so doesn’t deserve it), I think it was the right thing for her to quit or get fired or whatever it was.
IMO, getting rid of Paula was a Monumental Blunder by the AI producers.
Paula was aptly described as “the heart of the show” –—a counterbalance to the criticism/sarcasm (and sometimes mean-spiritedness) with her kindness and encouragement to the contestants.
Paula was also highly entertaining, with loopy behavior and wacky (and sometimes astute) comments. She came with a built-in anticipation factor each week:
“How is she going to act?”
“What’s she gonna do with Simon?”
“What will she wear?”
She was always fun to watch. That’s good television.
Can Paula be replaced? Certainly NOT by Kara. As much as I love Ellen DeGeneres, she has BIG shoes to fill. I doubt the same chemistry will exist with Ellen as it for Simon and Paula and Randy and Paula. I wish Ellen Good Chemistry and Good Luck. But I’ll still miss Paula (even though I’m NOT watching).
Last year when the idiotic AI producers thought Paula was expendable, I was outraged. I’m sure ageism and sexism were contributing factors to Paula’s ouster. That didn’t sit well with me AT ALL. In this case, the APPALLING MESSAGE that the AI producers sent to the youth of America was:
Boys are worth more than girls AND younger/perceived prettier girls are worth more than older ones.
When Paula got the axe, here’s how I wanted the story to end:
At the Fox Television Studios, we find the astronomically paid (but worth it) Simon Cowell slumped on his throne in his palatial American Idol trailer. He rubs his forehead. It hurts from too much brooding about the inane shenanigans his “bosses” are pulling at AI. He thinks about how he so used to love this show. He thinks about his dearly beloved, newly fired comrade, the lovely and playful Paula.
“Enough!” Simon cries out in an anguished yet still “veddy British” way.
Simon climbs down from his throne and throws open his closet doors. He rifles through 100 or so black v-neck t-shirts and undershirts. At the back of the closet he pulls out something shiny and noisy. It clanks. It’s a Lancelot outfit!
It’s a leftover from Simon’s younger days, when common courtesy and chivalry ruled his world.
“I’ve missed you, Sweetheart,” Simon says to the outfit as he slips it on.
Parked outside the trailer is Simon’s trusted horse, a mighty white steed named Il Divo. Simon takes a running leap off the trailer porch and onto Il Divo’s back.
Not bad for an old guy of fifty, Simon thinks. “We’re on a mission, ID, Baby!” he hollers.
ID whinnies and shakes his tail, galloping across the AI studio lot. The horse comes to a screeching halt in front of another trailer with a sign on the door: Ditsy Damsel in Distress.
Simon brandishes a sword from his armor and whacks off the door.
Paula pokes her pretty head out the doorframe and giggling, says, “Oh, Simon, you big galoot!”
Simon replies, “Hop on, Doll Face, you’re comin’ with me.”
As Simon and Paula ride off into X-Factor Heaven—past the AI producers who lie prostrate on the ground and throwing $1,000 bills at Simon and begging him to stay—while Il Divo drops big mushy road apples on the AI producers’ heads.
Simon chortles, “I’m not comin’ back without MY girl!”
Simon and Paula smile.
**The End**
(Only in fairytales. Drat!)
My Pals - Simon & Paula
