presents the
Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial — All social commentary —
All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: A voice for equality and respect for all.
Issue No. 6 March 8, 2018
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Long ago and far up and away, a big dude named Zeus ruled the heavens for a long time. But eventually he grew old and tired. How many times can you zap someone with a lightning bolt and still get a kick out of it? He had better things to do, like figure out his 401K plan and Medicare Part D. Exhausted, he commanded, “Effective immediately, I hereby convey my sky, thunder, and weather powers to my most spunky spawn, Kickaurassmus. But don’t anger him. Or he will live up to his name.”
We at the Gazette, not wanting to be recipients of a Twitter Twister, asked its instigator how not to incur his wrath. Kickaurassmus gave us these helpful tips, which we are passing along to you.
1. Don’t be a crummy ruler: Like favoring one part of your constituency over another — such as yes-men/yes-women, boot-licker, sycophantic group-thinker types over regular people. Or showing concern for three men who might be humiliated (as a result for not doing their jobs) but showing no concern for five women who were terminated for doing their jobs. Or writing patronizing letters with statements like the recall will “create a chilling effect on citizens considering applying…” Not true. I’m the only one who can create a chilling effect. Or maybe the Lions with their ice cream sales at Lithia Park. Don’t invoke the “Divine” or refer to sacrifices by others from a totally unrelated scenario centuries previously just to strengthen your argument. No one is fooled by cheap tricks. As a result, you will look foolish. Don’t be a hypocrite; the height of which is achieved by endorsing the dismissal of an employee while previously praising this person–on camera. As a result you will look beyond foolish into the realm of self-serving schlub–desperate to protect one’s ego and faux-status as an effective leader. Don’t make reckless claims about what will happen to APRC if the recall is successful. What difference does it make where on the org chart it winds up? It will still be funded by a percentage of property taxes. That revenue stream will not dry up if commissioners are removed. Peddling fear goes beyond foolishness; beyond self-serving antics; straight into the sinister zone.
2. Don’t be a BuBu (Bumbling Bureaucrat): Like pretending you know what goes on at a Senior Center you’re supposed to have been supervising for many years. According to The Sneak Preview, after several years on the job, you convened a meeting “to learn as much about the program as possible.” Way too late. What were you doing all that time? Trying to figure out how to cover up the money-sucking operations of the golf course? Don’t think you can make any decision you want regardless of its merit, forethought, cost, or consequences just because you can assemble an ad hoc crock of hemlock dumb-as-a-celery-stalk committee to cover your ineptness and rubber stamp any idiocy produced by BuBu-ism. Sorry, not with me around. This is what Twitter Twister storms were invented for.
3. Don’t lie. Like saying that the Senior Center Manager engaged in “financial and estate planning” when all she did was help a senior with a banking problem. Don’t lie about improprieties in background checks and vehicle insurance. Don’t lie that the Senior Center went on as business as usual and no seniors’ lives were disrupted after the dismissal of the female employees. Don’t lie by saying that it was a terrific idea employing an expensive outside consultant working once a week who didn’t know any of the seniors–rather than having a staff who had worked with them for years and wanted to continue to do so. Don’t lie by saying that this staff did not provide top-notch services or didn’t display genuine compassion and care or didn’t provide a welcoming, safe environment for Ashland’s seniors. Don’t lie by saying the manager wasn’t fired in August 2017 because she dissented with BuBu ideas but because she didn’t have the vision/skills needed for a newly-designed manager position when that position was not even formulated until February 2018. (And at what increased cost that will result in a cut of APRC services elsewhere?)
4. Don’t be stupid. Know who your customers are; what they are like; what they want; what they don’t want. Know who you work for. Just to be clear, it is not for yourself. Had you known your customers you would not be embroiled in the Senior Center Debacle of the century. In addition, just because you pay $49,000 for a report doesn’t mean it is the Undisputed Law of the Universe. You must put your thinking cap on and determine if indeed the recommendations from a group of out-of-state people who know nothing about your town are valid. Don’t accept their conclusions when they use the term “pretty similar.” The use of the word “pretty” in this context should have set off alarm bells that you got hosed. It violates the “standards and practices” of business writing. Speaking of which, don’t latch onto nebulous phrases like “national standards and best practices.” They can’t be applied with absolute accuracy because every situation is different. Don’t be stupid about the value of hard-working, competent, loyal, love-my-job type employees. They are difficult to find in any industry. Don’t be stupid about not listening to dissenting voices. The more opinions the better to make informed decisions. Lastly, when you have stupid ideas (moving the Senior Center to the Grove; making the Senior Center pay for itself; firing a competent staff to be replaced by a more expensive who-knows-what) admit it. Apologize to the people who you harmed professionally and emotionally with your draconian and undignified actions, and move on.
5. Don’t mess with Women. Period. Not Mother Nature; Gaia; Wonder Woman. Not Nike; Nemesis; Hera. Not any gal, lady, babe, diva, feminista, dame, sista, princess, momma, chick, riot grrl, granny or crone. Or any of their female lineage. #TimesUp: Pay attention. Listen. Show respect. Or rue the day if you don’t. They aren’t going away. But if you don’t get it, you will be.
And you’ll end up in a never-ending Twitter storm with tweets like these:
On the latest episode of The Voice, no chairs turn for Mrs. Balkman Squawkman Overdrive, who sang the government workers’ theme song: “Ad hoc double-talk pile of schlock laughingstock poppycock committee ditty.”
Blake: “You’re off key.” Adam: “You’re tone deaf.” Carson: “Hope you have a real job.”
Rejected and dejected, Mrs. Balkman whined, “I don’t understand. The BuBu’s love my sound!”
“That’s because you sound like them,” said Ms. Clarkson. “But trust me, darlin’, it ain’t pretty.”
Bi-Mart reported a sell-out of their entire inventory of giant-size pants. A group of BuBu’s claimed they inadvertently got too big for their britches. Also selling out were portable fire extinguishers. In case the pants catch on fire.
Ashland City Hall inducted into the Thewless Clueless Hall of Fame. When asked if they thought being a BuBu was a good thing, 75% raised their hands. Also for thinking that being a “nice guy” is a substitute for managerial skills, budgeting acumen, and respect for others.
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Happy International Women’s Day!
