presents the
Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial — All social commentary — All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: We are dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal and deserve to be treated equally and respectfully.
Issue No. 7 March 11, 2018
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Once upon a time in Ashland, Oregon–before it was Bashland to seniors; Smashland to women; Quashland to dissenters; and Thrashland to balanced budgets–it was a nice place to live. What happened?
The invasion of the BuBu’s!
Bumbling Bureaucrats infiltrated City Hall. A government by the Clan of the Ashman was formed–complete with clubs covered in mastodon fur. Said clan also included women–an unusual subset of females who chose not to evolve and believed their purpose in life was propping up the male species.
The Ashman Clan became one of the last of its kind in America–as this societal configuration JUST DOESN’T WORK in the long run. However, in the short run, Ashmen wielded the wooly club willy nilly. They loved to rule by smackdown.
Working for what the citizens want: BOOM – No!
Telling the citizens what they want: BOOM – Yes!
Disagreeing with BuBuism: BOOM – No!
Slavish devotion to Ad Hoc Crock: BOOM – Yes!
Top-notch employees: smart, high-performing, and dedicated to the citizens’ well-being: BOOM – No!
Low-notch employees: mean (terminating five superb female employees with glee and disrespect); self-serving (whining that their feelings should be considered but not those of five female employees); consultant-prone, non-think/group-think, out-of-control spending employees: BOOM – Yes!
You get the idea.
BuBu’s ran amok. They built an impenetrable, non-transparent, sound-proof, white-washed wall around City Hall. No constructive criticism could be heard. No new ideas could be presented. Ashland’s way of life and democratic ideals deteriorated rapidly.
The Clan of Ashman burned down the Senior Center, creating chaos and causing seniors to have cardiac palpitations over the loss of their dear-to-the-heart hang-out spot. The BuBu’s pretended it was a good thing. “Do we care what the seniors think?” they asked. BOOM. “No!”
“Is it not our job to make an ash heap out of everything?” BOOM. “How do you think we got our name?”
Mayor BuBu wrote a letter to the town newspaper justifying the BuBu’s smackdown of the Senior Center. He claimed a citizen’s recall would be a “death sentence” of electoral politics. “Do I rule by fear and intimidation?” he asked. BOOM. “Yes!”
Citizens refused to be manipulated, but genuinely worried about Ashland’s future under such an oppressive regime. But what to do?
The citizens decided to crowd source their project. They figured that positive action in a righteous pursuit would spark the Universe to help them. They formed SOS–Save Our Society–a wide-range coalition of sensible people. Thomas Jefferson jumped on board. Still irked that Mayor BuBu misused his quote, sent a note of encouragement to SOS:
“I applaud your revolutionary endeavor. God forbid we should be twenty years without a rebellion. What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance.”
Kickaurassmus joined the effort, too. Instead of a Twitter Storm, he orchestrated a Shiny Storm. He parted the skies and dropped billions of silver discs from the heavens. SOS folks gathering them saw that they were newly-minted nickels. There were so many that SOS could afford to purchase the Croman Property. They quickly developed the land into a wonderful pasture with a world-class golf course and state-of-the-art countryclub chock full of so many amenities that even google employees were jealous.
The last portion of the project was how to cajole the BuBus to leave City Hall and relocate them to the pasture. It turned out to be much easier than anticipated. Once they saw the beautiful park-like environment with a fancy-schmacy clubhouse–personal masseuses, executive parking spots, and free vending machines for everyone!–they trotted on over lickety-split, exclaiming, “All of the perks but none of the work.” BOOM. “Yes!”
That was the last time the BuBu’s used their clubs. They were too happy in their own little world to worry about controlling the masses any longer. Over time the Clan of the Ashman disappeared.
City Hall did not crumble. Democracy did not unravel. Quite the contrary. Positions were filled by common-sense people. Likewise, Ashland was revitalized. Niceness returned. No more Bashland, Smashland, etc. The Senior Center was restored. Citizens prospered. All’s well that ends well. And everyone lived happily ever after.
The end.
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Fairy tales do come true, don’t they?
Yes! on the recall.
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