Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 34 – August 2020
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Little-known fact: When Graham Crackers were invented in the late 19th century, they were originally called Graham Cookies. Like most cookies, they’re full of sugar and devoid of nutrition. If you eat too many, your health suffers: hyperglycemia; hypertension; insulin resistance; elevated cholesterol; and impaired cognitive skills and self-control.
If you overdose on Graham Cookies, you can literally go nuts. AKA nuttier than a five-pound fruitcake. Crazier than a fly in an outhouse. Wackier than a dog in a hubcap factory. You can wig out or lose your marbles. You can go round the bend or off the deep end. You can go bananas, bonkers, batshit. Or crackers — like these folks:
Hence the name change.
Over the decades, the term “Graham Cracker” has become synonymous with any ol’ kook or crackpot.
Fast forward to the 21st century: Graham Crackers permeate all levels of society. They’re everywhere! Like the ones who point guns at peaceful protestors from outside their mansion. Or refuse to wear masks in the middle of a pandemic. Or think doctors make medicine from alien DNA.
But the most prolific infiltration of Graham Crackers can be found in the political/government arena. Theories have arisen as to why this is so. The general consensus is that way too many of these type folks (those elected; those appointed or hired) are motivated by feeding their shaky egos, greedy wallets, and power-hungry bellies — rather than serving those in their purview.
The one thing you really do not want in a civilized society is an elected politician or government official gone Graham Cracker Crazy.
Engage in this behavior long enough and awful things happen:
* Your face turns orange.
* Your brain cells deteriorate.
* You steal mailboxes.
* You drink disinfectant to eradicate a virus.
* You’re elected President. Of the Putin-Lukashenko Fan Club.
* Most important: You make really bad decisions. And those decisions can ruin life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
To add a scientific perspective, let’s bring in an expert on dangerous politicians and government officials. Please welcome one of our favorite people on the planet, the esteemed Professor Ima SmartyPants of BeSmartta University.
Prof. SmartyPants will discuss her groundbreaking research paper entitled “Graham Cracker Syndrome: How It Can Destroy Democracy.” Take it away, Prof. Ima!
First of all, thank you for inviting me to speak about GCS — a topic of absolute importance to every American. And second, so happy to be here as I am an avid reader of the Outlandia Gazette. Very astute. And entertaining.”
[Publisher’s Note: YAY!]
Third, a point of clarification. Graham Crackers are classified in one or more of the following categories:
* Psychologically unstable as nutjobs.
* Mentally deficient as imbeciles, morons, or idiots–like Bumbling Bureaucrats (BuBu’s).
* Behaviorally impaired as sinister in thought and actions.
* Socially detrimental as moral pygmies or creepy peeps you’d never want to have a beer with.
My research confirms that a perfect example of GCS can be found in the City Hall of Ashland, Oregon, a small town with a disproportionate amount of Graham Crackers in city government as compared to the general population. As a result of the over-representation of Graham Crackers, dysfunction, deception, and dumb stuff happens.
Terrible decisions are made. Like:
Providing over-inflated salaries with ridiculously generous medical benefits.
Allowing over-staffing under the lunatic assumption that “Ashland is special.”
Refusing to acknowledge that over-spending and an unbalanced budget is a recipe for insolvency.
Picking the wrong people (and contractors) for the wrong job for the wrong reasons.
Thinking fallaciously that a Ritz Carlton building upgrade is necessary to conduct business.
Engaging in costly lawsuits due to legal incompetence; fatuous and fat-headed management; and a debilitating mind-set toward sexism, ageism, and disregard for the rule of law.
Pretending that obscene utility bills are justifiable and Ashlanders should quit complaining.
Promoting patriarchal chest-beaters who demand ultimate power and allegiance to the good-ol’-boys club–or else!
Participating in and encouraging clandestine meetings; secretive political consultants; intimidation against free speech; name-calling in the daily newspaper; filing a bogus BOLI document; nefarious nepotism; mendacious testimony in depositions; punishment for standing up or speaking out; crass cronyism; and more scheming and duplicity than a Shakespearean tragedy.
Bad decisions lead to bad consequences. The weight of Graham Cracker decisions have caused Ashland’s City Hall to crack. Will this trend ever end?
Here’s what the current government looks like:
Old. Outdated. Rusty. Dead battery. Empty tank. A mish-mash of antagonistic parts. Zero horsepower. Running on smelly fumes. Full of Graham Crackers in the glove box.
This vehicle is non-salvageable. It is going nowhere–except straight to the junk yard.
On the other hand, this beauty could be Ashland’s future:
Smart. Sleek. Innovative. Efficient. High octane performance with zero b.s. Not one self-serving nut or bolt in the chassis. Unlimited horsepower supplied by the majority of citizens. High tech and highly in touch, this vehicle takes the high road.
ALL are welcome to hop on board this no-frills, no-ego, no-power trip ride to a better Ashland.
In closing, let me say that it all comes down to choice. Which do you think is better? To support a non-functional machine run by Graham Crackers?
Or support equality and a quality government powered by the will of the people?
Thank you for listening to my academic analysis. I hope it helps you make informed choices on election day. And don’t forget to vote!
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Whew! That was quite a speech. Professor SmartyPants really lives up to her name. We at the Gazette appreciate enlightened discourse on how to make a better city; country; and world–for all inhabitants.
That’s why–on behalf of concerned citizens everywhere–we will continue discussing this crucial topic of rooting out Graham Crackers from any government entity.
In the next edition of the Outlandia Gazette will detail specific actions of two 4-category Graham Crackers—and showcase their poor leadership skills; desperate letter writing; devious thinking; self-serving egos; and unethical behavior–all of which threaten the life, liberty, and happiness of all Ashlanders.
We will explore what’s up with this inexplicable alliance. For instance, one doesn’t know that 54% of the Ashland population are women. The other doesn’t know what the definition of “big” is. Why would either of them want to be associated with the other?
Tired of eating alone in the cafeteria?
They hang out to trade their meds?
Practice conversational Russian?
Compete as playing partners at Steve Bannon’s Bridge Club?
We will get to the bottom of this Graham Crackerism!
Hope you’ll check it out.
Thanks for stopping by.
*****
Utterly brilliant!!! Professor Smarty Pants is “in the know”. I am fully supporting my female friends. Isolation during these uncertain times can be overwhelming. Thank you Fuchiawoman for your insight.