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Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial — All social commentary — All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: Presenting our Truth with a capital ‘T.’ Whether it is pretty or not.
Issue No. 15
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What’s the difference between a patch of pumpkins at Albertson’s Market in Ashland, Oregon and a patch of pumpkins running Ashland’s city government?
The first group doesn’t talk. And that’s a good thing!
Various talking points made by various Pumpkin Heads–aka Ashland’s BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats):
Mayor BuBu (Leader of the Patch):
The recall election is a citizenship test. The recall election is the death of democracy. You better believe it–or else! As the town not-so-smarty-pants, anyone who disagrees with my politics will be chastised–in a public forum like the regressive Daily Tidings. And given a pop quiz. Fail it and lose your citizenship!
OMG how awful if three men are humiliated because they lose their non-paying jobs–even if it was their own dang fault. And no, I don’t care that five women lost their paying jobs–even if it wasn’t their fault. I will never mention women–in particular or in general. They don’t matter.
I have only two more years of clawing and scraping for the last vestiges of old-brained white male patriarchal power–before I limp out of town under a cloud of delusion, irrelevancy, and medication. (StayAlert: The only way I can get through City Council meetings. Love that stuff.)
So in the meantime, let me surround myself with as many old-thinking white patriarchal power-hungry males as possible!
Who cares about balancing a budget and maintaining the legally-mandated participation of the Citizens Budget Committee? Who cares if Ashland has no cash reserves to match a grant to help fight wildfires (or anything other emergencies)? Who cares if utility bills are skyrocketing to pay for overspending? Who cares if shenanigans are undertaken to juggle accounts to pretend Ashland has the legally-required balanced budget? Who cares about keeping Ashland women safe?
Fiscal responsibility is for suckers. I make sure all City Hall peeps have the cushiest health care/retirement packages possible. We rival the Vatican! Can I get an ‘Amen’?
Kelly Maddening (new city administrator):
When I came from Medford I brought my bag of tricks–like let’s have a walk-about and pretend to “Engage Ashland”–wink wink. When I interviewed for the job I was told Ashlanders are disengaged–that City Hall can do anything it wants and citizens don’t care. So what if I planned the neighborhood canvassing with city hallers who are currently running for re-election. It wasn’t about getting them votes–wink wink. And darn that Julie Akins for catching our blatant conflict of interest. She just doesn’t get it that City Hall has a circle-the-wagon mentality and those in the “In Circle” get the perks.
Say, how’s the gold-plated gas mask I ordered coming along? And don’t forget to take that expense out of the Fighting Wildfires line item.
Flattery Slattery (councilperson):
I want all to know this: I is I and therefore I am.
As a business professor I voted for overspending the budget. TG I‘m not in corporate America or I would have lost my job. Which is why I like being a politician in Ashland. When you have “I, I, I Syndrome,“ I feel at home in a town that’s all about me getting what I want. Or making sure there’s money in the Ashland budget to support my wife’s job at the Chamber of Commerce.
I purport it’s never too soon to say, “Vote for me for Mayor!” Which was what I was trying to convey when I gave my illustrious graduation speech at SOU this spring. I killed it: “I, I, I, I, I.” Kinda like the letter I recently sent the Daily Tidings endorsing Stuffi Seffinger: Started the propaganda with an “I” and inserted two more I‘s in the first paragraph alone!
I believe I know I understand how to use rhetoric–which Plato said is a form of flattery. I feel I think if I flatter someone I may as well flatter someone worthwhile: me, myself, and I!”
Improvisation Queen Jackie Balkman-Talkman (running for election after being appointed councilperson):
I talk good–out of both sides of my mouth. I can improvise and change course whichever way the wind blows. First I was FOR the recall of the three inept parks & rec commissioners. Then I wasn’t–after I was informed it would be beneficial for my political career to be against it. So I flip-flopped. You wouldn’t think an ancient broad like me could be so agile. But I’ve had lots of practice. I’m quite the talented line dancer. I can toe the line with the best of the double-dealing, two-faced fox trotters!
As far as principles go, I like to quote my hero, Lady Macbeth: “Out damn’d spot!”
Hope no one noticed my one-eighty regarding my original thought that the parks & rec commissioner recall was a great idea. Original ideas are bad, aren’t they? Ashlanders don’t care about doing what’s right, do they? I know I don’t. Cuz I got appointed to the City Council. Woo Hoo–let’s hear it for throwing women under the bus!
Lastly, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am the creator of the New & Supposedly-Improved Senior Center Plan–containing 34 points of best standards & practices. Some call it gibberish. I call it a masterpiece. For instance, Apple Computers has only one point of best standards and practices: Think Different. Apple is the richest corporation in the U.S. Just think how much richer it could be if it had 34 points instead. Jobs shoulda called me!
Dark Days Expert Rich Rosenthal (councilperson)
I’m in charge of the comprehensive market analysis and marketing plan for the Oak Knoll Golf Course. Who cares if it is the biggest money loser in the City of Ashland budget? It appeals to old white guys. That’s the important thing, right?
I’m also the pumpkinhead who said people who voted for the recall but did NOT run for the parks & rec commissioner positions were wussies. Keep in mind this makes no sense logically–because if everyone who complained about their elected officials actually ran for office, you’d have literally millions of people competing for the POTUS position. The voting ballot would be larger than an encyclopedia. And take about a month to read. So what? Who cares if I’m not logical? I can prove my point without reason and logic.
Likewise, I’m the proud pumpkinhead who said that the parks & rec recall election was one of the darkest days in Ashland history. How dark was it? IMHO, darker than the smoke-filled days causing unhealthful air and economic loss. Darker than the Oregon Shakespeare Festival orchestrating a boycott of a locally-owned bookstore over sheer idiocy. Darker than the sexual assault of Joanie McGowan and her subsequent suicide. Darker than the twelve-year-old who stabbed his mother to death.
After all, the recall was about three men who stood to lose their non-paying jobs! Priorities, people!
BTW what’s wrong with being a pumpkinhead? OK, so we’re not as smart as cabbageheads. But hey, how smart do you have to be to be a city council guy?
Suck-Up Stuffani Seffinger (running for re-election councilperson):
Here’s the deal. Yes, I did make a city-sponsored video espousing the phenomenal job the former Senior Center Manager was doing for the decrepit old folks. Wait–is that politically incorrect? Oh heck, who cares what those oldsters think?
And yes, Mayor Bu-Bu–I mean Mayor John Stromberg (my idol–because he’s old and white and male) was also in the video acting like he understood what was being said. He was smiling and seemed to approve of the former Senior Center Manager’s job performance. (Or maybe his Prilosec had kicked in?)
And yes, I did say that I wished the parks & rec commissioners would have actually taken the time to go over to the Senior Center and see the terrific job the former Manager was doing and had been doing for over ten years. (Guess they were too busy trying out the pingpong tables at The Grove?)
But then I had to make a choice. Am I the kind of woman who supports other women? Or am I the kind that sucks up to men for my own self-promotion at the expense of other women?
For me that was an easy call–and why I wrote a letter to the Daily Tidings supporting a NO in the recall of the three inept parks & rec commissioners. And yes, I admit I don’t know the difference between the #MeToo and #TimesUp Movements because they are too female oriented. Which is why I proudly wear my own MAGA t-shirt: Make Ashland Great Again–by voting for white males and the female toadies who support them! Thank you.
Rubber-Stamper Mike Morris (running for re-election councilperson):
I think I believe in group-think; voting the same as all the other white guys; and making sure the City of Ashland continues to fund the Chamber of Commerce so my wife can continue to politicize the group–instead of doing something about the dismal economic forecast for Ashland’s business community, which is way harder.
Replacement Stephen Jensen (running for re-election councilperson):
If I had to guess why I got appointed to the City Council in the first place, I’d say it was because I look like your average old white guy. And we do tend to stick together–like pumpkins in a garden patch.
From what I’ve been told, it’s for our protection; for covering our butts in times of crisis; and for getting what is best for us–not necessarily what is best for Ashlanders. I’m the new guy, cut me some slack!
Rick “I Have My Good Name and Not Much Else Going For Me” Landt (running for re-election for parks & rec commish)
First of all, not all old white guys think alike. Or look alike. Or talk alike.
And not all old white guys got their prickly personalities because they couldn’t get a date to the Junior Prom.
Secondly, I was on board to throw out the Senior Center Manager and her four lackies. They didn’t agree with the correct gender.
Yes, one of those old gals was really old–like 80-something. Big deal. Who cares? She can get another job. Like at WalMart. Or Mortie’s Mortuary.
But I wasn’t captain of that ship. That was my boss Michael Black. He agreed to toss overboard the entire staff of the Senior Center. He’s the guy who actually gets paid to make those decisions. He should take the heat. Or blame it all on Rachel. No one likes her anyway.
Whatev. Just quit picking on me!
Jim “Go Along with the Male Crowd” Lewis (probably running for re-election in 2020 for parks & rec commish):
First of all, not all old white guys think alike. Or look alike. Or talk alike.
And not all old white guys got their prickly personalities because they couldn’t get a date to the Junior Prom.
Yes, I was on board to throw out the Senior Center Manager and her four lackies. They didn’t agree with the correct gender.
Yes, one of those old gals was really old–like 80-something. Big deal. Who cares? She can get another job. Like at McDonald’s. Or Elmer’s Embalming Emporium.
But I wasn’t captain of that ship. That was my boss Michael Black. He agreed to toss overboard the entire staff of the Senior Center. He’s the guy who actually gets paid to make those kinds of decisions. He should take the heat. I just go along to get along. Quit picking on me!
Machiavellian Devotee Michael Black (head pumpkinhead of parks & rec)
As overseer of the ‘crown jewel’ of Ashland, Oregon–the Parks & Recreation Department and its billion dollar budget–I am the BIG fish in Lithia Park’s duck pond. You have no idea how fun it is to spend a billion dollars a year. Makes me feel like a BIG man. I can approve all the spending I want–like $230,000 for a consultant to figure out what to do with Lithia Park for the next 100 years. Like we would even be here then! Like Ashland won’t be covered in smoke! Like all the trees won’t be dead and the stream dried up!
After I upgrade my salary–($189,712 yearly is not nearly enough for what I do. You think Elon Musk has a tough job building a rocketship to the moon? I have to schedule the lawnmowers for Ashland’s 16 parks. Or is it 17? Or 15? Who cares?)–and hire someone to empty my trash can, I plan to upgrade the Japanese Garden–that only one guy wanted and since he’s footing the bill who cares what the other 20,000 Ashlanders think of this plan as I’m not bothering to ask them. Discussions-R-Us? Are you kidding me?
Then I plan to spend BIG on my next project: The White Males’ Cave Dwelling–near the reservoir in Lithia Park.
It will be a bar-n-grill haven–with Barcaloungers; a kegerator; a light saber night light; bean bag chairs; a boxing bag; a poker table; Superman comics; lots of gadgets; and a throne toilet. Who needs nature when you can have foosball! The cost? Who cares? Did I mention how fun it is to spend a billion dollars a year?
What? My secretary–I mean administrative person–just informed me that I don’t have a billion dollars to spend every year. Yeah, says who? Do I have to fire her, too?
Speaking of firing people, let’s get this ridiculous subject out of the way. Yes, in the parks and recreation meeting on August 8, 2017 I did say twice that “no one has been laid off” at the Senior Center. I wanted to reduce staff. So the employees were fired in a roundabout way–not laid off.
Sometimes women don’t work out in the workplace. Fact of life. Pure and simple. Has nothing to do with performance or any of those other h.r. niceties. I’m talkin’ ’bout who’s the boss! And gettin’ with the plan. Which is getting “new blood” into the org.
And making sure oldsters pay for themselves. I’m not spending my billion dollars on them. Ain’t no free lunch. Not in this town. Not on my watch. Who cares that the Senior Program is supposed to be a service program? Not me. Not my staff.
And yes, a plan was concocted to overhaul the Senior Center as an excuse to correct the “gender situation” there. We claim those employees did not fit the new convoluted concoction. A concrete configuration was not formed until Ms. Balkman-Talkman Overdrive googled it into existence–several months after we cleaned house. But hey, we knew those other females weren’t what we wanted anyway. Why keep them around?
What’s so gosh darn wrong with that? Oh right, we didn’t take into consideration what the Seniors themselves actually wanted. Raise your hand if you think that matters. And that’s the end of the subject. The end justifies the means. Put up or shut up. Preferably the latter.
Mike “I’ve Already Made My Decision and I Don’t Care to Listen to Anyone” Gardiner (running for re-election for parks & rec commish):
Yes, I had already made up my mind about what to do with the Senior Center before the August 8, 2017 meeting–the official discussion about how the parks and rec department planned to gut the Senior Center to save money to cover overspending. Yes, we originally said the Senior Center was going to move to The Grove. But of course we backtracked on that after those pesky oldsters got all feisty on us.
Yes, I smirk all the time. You would, too, if no one else can see the vision of my grandeur. That’s oldsters for you. Poor eyesight. And why I’m sick of dealing with anything Seniorish and why I say that “we don’t have discussion” because it just leads to Ashlanders questioning our authority. We can’t have that. It will destroy democracy. (Mayor Bu-Bu told me to say that). We do what we want. If you don’t like it, move!
Jim “I Need a Job” Balkman-Talkman (candidate for parks & rec commish):
Yes, if you read the minutes on-line from a City Council meeting last year, you will see that I was FOR the recall before I was against it. But it’s not my fault. It’s an infectious disease called Turncoatitis. I contracted it from my lovely wifey-poo.
Then if you read my letters to the Daily Tidings about the recall, I do obfuscate and state half-truths, innuendos, and self-serving blather–as well as fail to mention the fact that the original meeting to begin the recall of the three inept parks and rec commissioners was held at my house. No one cares about real truth, do they? We don’t. Nor do we care about an ethical backbone when it comes to winning an election. Our motto: A Nest of Nepotism is Nifty! (Quite catchy, dontcha think? Took me three months to think it up.)
Lastly, scraping the barrel for the pity vote, it’s a drag being an old white guy. We’re a minority! I need all the advantages I can get.
Vote for me. And the wifey-poo, too.
Loose-Lips Lohman (Ashland’s Lawyerly BuBu):
I can’t believe I was told to zip it shut when I disparaged a female city employee in the media. Boo Hoo! I am not the gender that’s supposed to shut up. Don’t like what I blab to the media? Sue me! Ashland has an insurance policy. Won’t personally cost me a dime.
Boo Hoo #2: Where’s the respect for entitled old white men? What’s next? Women’s Lib? Sheesh.
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Sheesh indeed. Pumpkinheads make festive decorations for the holidays. But the ones that talk can also be very scary. This election cycle, vote for anyone who is NOT a pumpkinhead.
Ashland thanks you. America, too.
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