presents the
Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: We are dedicated to the proposition that all people deserve to be treated equally and respectfully. And social satire is a good way to point out when this does not happen.
Issue No. 2 February 12, 2018
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Even though it’s a glorious day here in the Rogue Valley, weather forecasters predict an onslaught of atmospheric blasts directed at Ashland, Oregon’s City Hall and Parks & Recreation Department. Some say angry Gods are responsible. Some say it’s the second coming of dinosaur extinction. Others say the City brought it on themselves.
Jackson County weather expert and spokesperson, Professor Nostra Dameus, identifies the phenomena as a “Twitter Twister” — a squall of highly-charged word particles in response to a cosmic disturbance. Computer models point to the condition as a continuing trend. “In this particular case, it’s part of global warming,” Prof. Dameus said. “A preponderance of BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats) blow hot air around town, which becomes stagnant and makes breathing difficult.”
Twitter Twister particles are called tweets and descend on an area in an effort to improve overall air quality. The professor further explained that some tweets can be like oxygen to the brain—providing energy and clearer thinking; while other tweets can cloud the thinking process and make conditions worse.
Asked how you tell the difference between a ‘clear’ tweet and a ‘cloudy’ tweet, Prof. Dameus replied, “It depends on one element: Truth.”
Here’s what Ashland’s Twitter Twister looks like. Truth or no truth? You be the judge.
Stephen Kings visits Ashland to research new book, Reckless Recreators. After interviewing five men from the Parks & Recreation Department, he flees the building saying, “This place is too scary for me! I’d rather hang out with Cujo.”
Ashland, Oregon stars in another Hollywood remake: “The Good, (food bank), The Bad (wacky deer), and The Ugly” (getting rid of a stellar employee for disagreeing with a male-dominate bonehead idea). #OscarsSoBuBu
At City Hall celebration, gov’t officials congratulate themselves on a job well done–while ignoring humongous pink elephant in the room. Apparently the number of gallons of waste water treated more important than the decimation of the Senior Center and its employees.
Jane Austen furious over one of her quotes being misappropriated in City Hall meeting. “Gentlemen, allow me to scold you for plundering my name to gain favor. As a career woman I abhor incivility toward working women. In your parlance, that means b.s. layoffs.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. empathizes with Jane Austen. “People invoke my name too, like Ashland’s city gov’t officials. They pretend to get it; but don’t understand moral character. I would never fire a loyal employee or demolish a Senior Center. That is not my dream.”
City of Ashland installs new skating rink at Lithia Park. Named “CityGate Debate,” it’s designed to obfuscate, aggravate, and retaliate. Frosty conditions needed to operate. Only BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats) care to participate.”
Malodorous emissions steaming above Ashland’s City Hall cause Health Department to issue citation for stinking up the Rogue Valley with its draconian Female Five Firing. Paddington Station reports brisk sales of clothes pins for the citizens and blinders for City Hall personnel.
Ashland City Government hit with giant increase in malpractice coverage. Insurance company tells BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats): Dumb Administrators + Dumb Decisions + Dumb Cover-ups = Plain ‘Ol Dumb. #IdiocyIsCostly
Just curious, fellas, if the laid-off female employees had the age and looks of Charlize Theron or the age and “qualifications” of Kim K., would they still have their jobs?
Mayor’s secret budget cabal approves cost for city’s facelift. Once upon a time Ashland was a pretty picture. But now it’s a crumbling facade. Citizens peek through cracks; don’t like what they see: BuBu’s manipulating the scenery.
Ashland Parks&Rec Dept develops own variety of Lady Doritos for female staff. Phony flavor designed to muzzle, ruin careers, and get sacked. FDA issues warning: Ashland Doritos bad for your health: mental, physical, financial, professional.
Poll names Top Five Most Annoying Inventions: 1. Fake News 2. Traffic 3. Decaf Coffee 4. Flip Flops 5. Hubris: like ‘circle-the-wagon’ mentality to protect idiocy/illegality (layoffs; ageism; sneakily obtaining email addresses)
Etymologist notices use of the word ‘enhance’ four times in two different BuBu letters to the Daily Tidings. Makes note to investigate this odd usage as it’s a word used primarily by girly-girls, PR hacks, and plastic surgeons.
And the biggest tweet to date:
Elon Musk considers building electric battery plant in Ashland. Spends less than ten minutes listening to BuBu’s blab on about how great they are (not the City). While admiring themselves through the smoke in mirrors, Musk slips out the back door. He hops in red Tesla Roadster and accelerates so fast out of town he ends up orbiting in outerspace. Sends text to SpaceX: “I’d rather be here than stuck in Ashland, Oregon.”
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Stay tuned for our next issue, which features a Guest Opinion By Niccolo Machiavelli. A tad fusty-musty but a hoot to boot!
Boo F D- on Bu Bu’s