FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Newport Beach, CA
Litigating Atrocious Lawyers Association is proud to announce the 2014 recipient of the Jarndyce v. Jarndyce Award: Rhianna Vholes Hewes. The prestigious award was bestowed last night at the Baloney Bar-n-Grill in Fashion Island. The event was open to the public (if carrying Neiman Marcus shopping bags). The honoree and legal guests dined on scrumptious fare, including pigs-in-a-blanket, baloney hash, and the ever-popular baloney frosted cupcakes. Indeed it was a Baloney-Gone-Wild night with all lawyers stuffed to their shark gills with more baloney than usual.
A hearty congratulations to Ms. Hewes, the youngest winner ever–by decades. Please note: We will not be addressing the InflateBallotGate issue at this time. Following is a transcript of Ms. Hewes’ acceptance speech. Disclaimer from our legal staff: LALA is not responsible for the veracity of its contents nor for anything considered scandalous, offensive, or not funny. If you don’t like it, tuff. We don’t call ourselves atrocious for nothing.
Take it away, Ms. Hewes:
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen–if there are any–and LALA dignitaries, fellow lawyers, and shoppers. Oh yes, and waiters, too. I’m drinking chablis. Hey fellas, keep my glass filled!”
“I’m delighted to be here this evening and want to ensure all LALA members that I promise to endeavor steadfastly to maintain our worldwide level of popularity—which ranks between Kim Jong Un and the Ebola virus.”
“I accept this coveted award that, gosh darn it, I worked my tail off for. Which is why I enjoy it when my colleagues call me ‘Hello Kitty.’ Which coincidentally is my favorite brand of handbags. Plastic lasts for-evah.”
“I have dreamed of this award ever since I was a little girl and watched reruns of Perry Mason and thought, jeepers, I don’t want to grow up and be like that chump who insists on liberty and a fair legal system for all. Yuck. Must be a liberal.”
“Many thank-yous are in order. First to LALA for recognizing that you don’t have to be old to be atrocious. And speaking of old, a thank-you to my fellow nominees who I learned plenty about lawyering from: Howard ‘Call Me Coward’ Larsen; Ted ‘I Deserve a Spankin” Hankin; and Dan ‘Ethical Schmethical’ Rasmussen.”
“Yoo hoo, waiter, my glass is empty!”
“I would also like to thank my law firm, Pain and Fear. Any law firm that doesn’t instill pain and fear in its adversaries—as well as clients and employees—does not deserve to practice law. The play-nice-in-the-sandbox ethos does not apply. Heck, it should be outlawed before kindergarten.”
“Actually, I appreciate the sweat shop conditions at P&F. It reinforces my belief that slaving away 24/7 is a higher calling than developing a personal life. Time spent with family or friends? Cultivating a personality? Caring about the world we live in? Seriously?”
“So what if I haven’t had a date since that one set-up in college. Or mastered the art of appropriate social behavior. Or personal grooming. There are more important things in life. And for that I have to thank the only other female recipient of the LALA Award—my mother, Patty Hewes, my awesome role model, who taught me life’s most valuable lesson: Billable Hours.”
“Sure, my mother never had time to read to me or cook meals for me. Or help with homework or teach me about hygiene. Or attend parent-teacher conferences or my high school badminton games when I was the head equipment manager in charge of the specially-inflated birdies the star player used.”
“But I had the complete Bratz doll collection at five. A pony at eight. An Arabian stallion at eleven. And when it accidentally died, a BMW Z-8 at fifteen. OK, I wasn’t old enough to drive it. But it was parked on our estate and I could sneak out in the middle of the night and I pretend I was having a slumber party with my friends–if I had any. Eventually I realized my mother was still at work in the middle of the night so that made the sneaking out part unnecessary.”
“Even though I had fond memories of that car, I ‘loaned’ it–permanently–to a judge. Which is how I won my first case and got a job with P&F. They don’t care if the case has merit. The company motto is: “Win at any cost—and the more costly the better.” Company tattoo for our foreheads: Billable Hour$. My kind of peeps. The ends do justify the means.”
“I knew with my fondness for billable hours that I would one day replace the Beemer with a Jag. And I have. Meoww! Which is what I drove tonight to accept this award. Whatever or whoever it was that I ran over on my way here, not my fault.”
“WAITER! Bring the damn bottle, wouldya? And to the U.S. Marine who keeps yelling that he wants the truth if I ordered the code red or not, I ordered white, sir. And by the way, truth is over-rated.”
“Now where was I? Oh yes, since you are such an attentive audience—is it the baloney or me?—I presume many of you young people might be contemplating a career in law. Heretofore I feel compelled to share with you my secret for success: I got all the right junk in all the right places. Let me explain.”
“First, I am not shy about stepping on the toes of justice or spitting in the eye of truth. Right or wrong doesn’t matter. Get over it. It only maters what you can prove in court. And depending on your propensity for smarminess, you can prove anything. Especially in probate court. Where litigants are so traumatized by their relatives’ dastardly deeds, they think the more billable hours they pay for, the more likely they are to prevail. As often as possible, be sure and let them think that.”
“Second, I abhor free speech. Do you really think Thomas Jefferson was referring to everyone when he wrote the First Amendment? That guy owned slaves for crying out loud! He was talking about rich powerful entitled white men. Period.”
“Free speech—a silly and dangerous notion IMHO—must be knocked down at all times. Even Pope Francis has jumped into the fray recently and proclaimed free speech as a right for everyone. Talk about clerical overreach. Let’s be frank, Frank. You’re the head of an organization that’s responsible for the sexual abuse of thousands of children. Clean up that mess before you go shooting off your mouth about something else.”
“Speech should be limited. And not that I agree with those nutjobs who shot up that so-called humor magazine’s office in Paris and killed cartoonists. But if someone drew a cartoon of Brigham Young in a dominatrix outfit wearing a “I Heart Women’s Lib” baseball cap, I’d load up my litigious guns, if you catch my drift.”
“Third, master the fine art of perverting legal proceedings to your advantage. For instance, if your client has to answer a set of special interrogative questions, use the occasion to question the questions. This will supply you with an endless supply of billable hours, depending on your lack of scruples and/or dignity to continually ask for clarifications, explanations, and definitions.”
“For example, in a recent case of mine involving two adversarial sisters–my favorite kind of family fight–love the fireworks, love the treachery–I actually asked the opposing lawyer what he meant by the word ‘money.’ Was he taking about U.S. dollars? Euros? Apple shares? Bitcoins? You can keep up this back-n-forth repartée indefinitely. The opposing lawyer won’t complain as he or she is also racking up billable hours. And don’t worry about the truth for God’s sake. All you want to do is delay, obfuscate, and intimidate–and get paid to do so.”
“And remember, a family in probate court is like a powder keg. You hold the match to light the fuse. Shay, where’s that cutie pie with the chablis? Keep pouring, shonny!”
“Fourth, you need a courtroom clincher that will utterly destroy the opposing party’s belief in anything good about humankind. This way they will be less likely to come after you when the smoke clears and realize they’ve been hosed.”
“After you have tried to decimate an estate, steal a house, extort money (a minimum of $100,000), make accusations of elder abuse, fraud, coercion, etc., you need to thrust the last dagger in your opponent, metaphorically speaking.”
“My favorite tactic is to have my clients lie through their teeth (or gums if they have none) to make sure familial relationships are obliterated beyond repair. You are the puppeteer. They are the puppets. Pull their strings.”
“When the proceedings are over and you pretend you have won, get your clients–in front of their opposing family member–to jump up and down grinning like gargoyles–and you along with them–hug and high-five each other, all the while squealing like seventh graders at a Justin Bieber concert. You should see the look on the opposing relative’s face. Utter emotional devastation. The demise of a family–I find it beautiful. A bonus on top of all the billable hours. Family is sooo overrated.”
Fifth, learn to manipulate the jury with your courtroom razzle dazzle. Hell, I’m so good at it I could get Bill Cosby acquitted with a jury full of nuns. Did I just say, ‘hell?’ Sorry, sisters. By the way, sisterhood is overrated.”
“Sixth, engage in self-promotion at all times. For instance, I have my videographer film my courtroom histrionics. You can catch them on YouTube. I have over three dozen viewings so far. Well on my way to viral stardom.”
“When that happens, I plan to launch my most outstanding self-promotion scheme of all. I’m pleased to announce my candidacy to you this evening. I will be running for the California U.S. Senate seat in 2016–currently held by Babs Boxer. Time to let the dawg out and let a kitty do the job. Everyone knows we need more lawyers in Congress. So vote for me!”
“Wrapping up, thank you again to LALA for the award. To Howard, Ted, and Dan: better luck next year. But don’t count on it! I plan to win this award multiple times because as atrocious as I am now, I know I can get atrociouser. And I’m pretty sure that’s a word. Or it should be. Who do I sue at Webster’s?”
Lastly, to the Baloney Bar-n-Grill , thanks for the delicious cuisine and wine. Did I mention I’m still thirsty?”
I’ll be selling “Hello Kitty for Senate” buttons by the bar. If you also buy me a drink, the cost per button is only $1,950. We’ll worry about the FEC paperwork later. And does anyone know the Koch Brothers’ cell number?”
“Good night and good riddance.”
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From the LALA Membership Committee: To those whose membership dues have lapsed, pay up or else… litigation of course!
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Note from the F.W. Publisher: Je suis Charlie Hebdo.