Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager;
Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com
www.fuchsiawoman.com/blog [soon to be: outlandiagazette.com]
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 45 – October 25, 2020
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“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.” – Mark Twain
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For Immediate Release: The Kremlin
[Note #1 from the Publisher: This press release was sent to an old-thinking white guy who fashions himself a big cheese–like a block of Velveeta–who runs a sneaky magazine. It is translated from Russian. We think we got it correct. Except for the name of the Crown Prince of that country that chops up journalists. We happen to like our bodies left intact, therefore, we’ve decided to go with a pseudonym.]“Dear Authoritarian American Free Speech Denier:
Please join me, President for Life Vladimir the Vanquisher, and President Xi Jinping, Kim “of bad haircut” Jong-Un, Prince Mo’ham in the bun with Salami, Borat (big funny hairy guy who shop for women clothes in “Where No Means Yes” section!), and the other Dastardly Dictators saying Pozdravleniya for attempt shut down free speech in Smashland Oregon. You gave good try silence woman journalist maybe member Pussy Riot belong in jail like lock her up! You have Jensen Rosenthal Slattery Flashland guys with no shirts like me. We have many manly chest oligarchs with magic liquid sprinkle on doorknobs effective people shut up. Special commendation to our comrade DOC (Deranged Old Codger) Talk-Trashland white guy fears no more white-guy power and write like Orange Cheeto man speak. We like him say: ‘this kind of satire has no place in a town like this.’ Or anywheres people might hear. We condemn satire. We behead satire. We spit on the baby and its constitutional mother. We cannot decipher satire so bash it and ship to Siberia! Like in Bashland!
We like your MAMA – Make America Mute Again!
XOXO, Your bestie buddy (wink-wink fingers crossed) Vladie.”
Note #2 from the Publisher to DOC. Satire is not slander. It is a protected form of speech guaranteed by the First Amendment. To accuse someone who writes satire of writing slander is itself the real example of slander. And in which case you would be the proverbial pot calling the kettle black–not us. But then again as we have seen over and over in Balderdashland Oregon, you can’t fix stupid. You can only satirize it.
Note #3 to DOC: By the way, your pal Putin’s punishment for slander: A flesh-eating disease injected from fingers to shoulder. So if you want to continue to slander someone, you’ll have to type with your nose.
Note #4 to DOC: The article that got your panties in a twist was not written in hell, but in Ashland. Maybe same thing to you but not to us–as there is no intelligence in hell. Because if you’re smart you won’t end up there. And there is intelligent thought in Gazette articles. The problem is the dim-witted not being able to–or choosing not–to see it.
Note #5 to DOC: We checked our writer’s hinges.
Nice and new. Clean and fresh. Perfect working condition. Nothing unhinged about them.
Not true about DOC, considering his hinges are old, broken, rusted, patriarchal, and attached to rotted wood.
The Outlandia Gazette sent our intrepid reporter, Lois Lanier, to find DOC and interview him about the Putin press release and his role in advocating censorship in Ashland.
Lois hunted high and low:
In Hades–where she just missed him attending his weekly meeting with Lord Lucifer.
On Mt. Arrogance–where he has a penthouse apartment. But he wasn’t home.
At every good ol’ white boys club from DumbTown to OverTheHillVille USA. He was not among the Jurassic Jerks. But they all knew him.
Believe it or not Lois found DOC closer to home–at a City Hall sanctioned nursing home in Lithia Park–next to the “death memorial” Japanese Garden.
So when they toss the deceased out the window, they’re right at home? By the way, said tossing: paid for by Ashland citizens under “death removal” on utility bills. (Tonya Graham’s idea.)
It seems DOC had a mental meltdown and wound up in the Stromberg Wing of the Out to Pasture Sanctuary–as former Ashland City Hall members and like-minded Putin associates are revered like sacred cows.
At the home, Lois spoke with Adabelle Aidayu, DOC’s private nurse–paid for by the Ashland’s City Hall PPPP Program: PERS Plus for Patriarchal Putinites–under the line item on utility bills: “Ripped-off once again.”
Nurse Adabelle said DOC was allowed a visitor once a day for one-half hour only–as he could not handle any more stimulation to his already stressed out hinges. She also said no one had been to see DOC since his admittance and she thought he might like the company. She showed Lois into DOC’s private room–stocked with the entire menu from Lark’s and beer from The Growler Guys.
Lois: What’s wrong with him? He looks ossified.
Nurse Ada: That’s the way he came to us–petrified.
L: Is he awake?
A: Well, he hasn’t been woke since 1963–when he preferred Bobby Vinton to Bob Dylan. But technically, yes. He can hear you. Hold your microphone close to his mouth because his speech is slurred.
L: Is that because of his illness?
A: No, because of the Growler Guys.
L: Hi, DOC. I’m from the Outlandia Gazette.
DOC: Grumble grumble.
A: Let me interpret for you. He said, “screw you.”
L: No, DOC, your screws are the ones that are loose. Your hinges could use some tightening up. Wanted to get on the record what you thought of being praised by Pooty Putin for spearheading the Censorship Movement in Ashland, Oregon.
DOC: Grumble grumble.
A: He said, “Commie bastard! I’d rather be dead than red. He promised me this reward–beautiful Russki women to warm the cockles of my whatever.”
“But all I got was a lousy bowl of borscht! And it was ice cold!
A: DOC prefers tortilla soup. Reminds him of his spicy days.
L: So DOC, who died and made you Censorship Tsar?
DOC: Grumble grumble.
A: He said, “David Lohman.”
L: What do you think of Mark Twain‘s quote: “Censorship is telling a man he can’t have steak just because a baby can’t chew it.”
Or Jon Stewart’s quote: “I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.”
Or Henry Louis Gates‘ quote: “Censorship is to art what lynching is to justice.”
DOC: Grumble grumble grumble.
A: He said, “Commie bastard. Commie bastard. Commie bastard.”
L: DOC, do you agree that a person doesn’t have to like what someone has written, but they have to agree with the right to say it?
(no answer)
DOC, do you think the root of all censorship is fear?
(no answer)
DOC, do you realize that with satire one person’s “cruelty” is another person’s “Hey, this is funny!”?
(no answer)
DOC, do you know that satire plays a vital role in keeping a democracy strong?
(no answer)
DOC, do you know that only authoritarian governments censor their citizens?
(no answer)
A: He might be snoozing.
DOC: Grumble grumble.
A: He said, “grumble grumble.” I think we’re done for today. He tires easily. A feeble mind makes a feeble body.
DOC: Grumble grumble.
L: Now what?
A: He wants a Doctor to treat him. I’ll handle this. DOC, honey, you’ve been Docktered.
As Lois and Nurse Ada walk back to her nursing station, screaming is heard from down the hall.
L: What’s that awful noise?
A: Mayor Stromberg. Throws a hissy fit everyday.
L: What about?
A: He’s demanding a fourth term. Demanding a new City Hall Palace with his name on it. Demanding a gold-plated Lamborghini as a retirement present.
L: Wow–that’s rather generous.
A: He’ll probably get the car. Rosenthal, Jensen, Slattery, Graham Cracker, and Seffinger will vote to give it to him. They’ve never voted against a bad idea yet.
L: Wonder what line item on the utility bill will pay for it?
A: I heard it will be “You’re going broke but we’re not!”
L: For the love of habitability, affordability, and respectability, we really need a new City Council!
A: Truer words were never said, Lois.
L: So Ada, if I may ask. Off the record of course because of patient confidentiality, what is it that set DOC off in the first place to cause his meltdown?
A: A number of things. First he didn’t win the Cognitive Himpairment Man of the Year Award. So disappointed. Jealousy ate his brain. He said he can out impair Stephen Jensen any day of the week–and twice on Sundays. Then there’s the Ashland woman–who has a voice, balls, and typing fingers. But I think the main reason was getting dumped by his girlfriend.
L: Care to share?
A: DOC was trying to help keep her business afloat. She mismanaged it into the ground–had five straight years of losses. He kept the financial info on an index and looked it over and over and over again–trying to make sense of it. In the end he couldn’t help her break even. So she gave him the heave ho. In life it’s always about the money–or a girl.
L: Or both. The reporter in me must ask. What’s her name?
A: Not sure exactly. But he mutters in his sleep: “I want my little Graham Cracker!”
L: You’ve been a terrific help, Ada. Thank you so much. I’ll be able to write a valuable non-censored article now. One more thing, what do you think will happen to DOC?
A: Oh, he won’t get better. You can’t teach an old cow a new moo. He’ll be put out to pasture along with the rest of the old codgers. A thinning of the herd. I suppose it’s for the best. If you believe in Change. Progress. Principles. Character. A better way of life.”
Lois: That I do, Ada, that I do.
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DOC’s index card with financial information from the GEOS Institute. Source: 2019 IRS 990 form and Charity Navigator Website.
Losses by year:
2019: $-67,739
2018: $-274,784
2017: $-178,875
2016: $-123,582
2015: $-20,883
*****
Editorial Comment to DOC when he wakes up — if ever: Doesn’t bode well for thinking one can balance Ashland‘s budget, does it? Perhaps the Executive Director was overpaid?
Also doesn’t say much about the intellectual substance of State Senator Jeff Golden’s comment about Tonya Graham Cracker in the Voters’ Pamphlet:
“She has every attribute to be a superb mayor.”
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