Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com www.fuchsiawoman.com/blog
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 52 October 2022
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As springtime displays nature’s blossoming beauty, the opposite happened in Ashland. In place of usually pretty stuff, this not-always fair town turned unusually petty instead. Acrimony and absurdity abounded in City Hall:
* Yet another lawsuit filed against Ashland’s Porks & Wreck Bad Ol’ Boys Club for intolerable work conditions for many years; including homophobic, misogynistic, and harassing behavior.
* An obscene salary raise to the same Porks & Wreck, the worst run department since the Mar-a-Lago Porks & Wreck organized a yard sale of stolen classified documents–with invites only to the Pooty Pootin and Xi Jinpingpong bros.
*An unabashed hissy fit by a city councilwoman over the term “forensic audit” due to lack of: linguistic knowledge or bothering to read a dictionary; standard accounting practices; budgetary facts; and basic civility. On the bright side, her hysteria was hysterical. So thanks for the entertainment. And file this overblown political performance under: Truth is stranger than fiction.
Moving on to the toasty summer months, many in Ashland’s population overheated. Like the bastion of pampered public servants/self-serving elected officials/and manipulative minions. Conversely a few ‘cooler heads’ were able to prevail. File this under:
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Tonya Graham – Hanging out at Pony Espresso, high on caffeine, using a stack of their napkins, jotting down accusations against the Mayor, and chanting: “I must find one that works! I must find one that works! I must!” So far:
- “You’re a criminal because your name is Julie but you are not made of jewels. You must apologize!”
- “You appointed Joy Fate to a commission but she is not joyful. You must apologize!”
- “You do not earn $1 million per year so you have no idea how hard it is for average Ashlanders to live next door to poor people. You must apologize!”
- “You think you are smarter than me but I scored a 310 on the SAT’s. So there! You must apologize!”
Julie Akins – Attending Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government. Professors balked at her midterm paper: How to win a city council election by deleting a qualified small biz owner and inserting a Bosom Barbie instead. One professor remarked: “A real Barbie doll would have been a wiser choice. More skills. Better résumé.”
Joy Fate – Ignored the advice of well-meaning while holding-their-noses supporters who criticized her campaign slogan: “If you got ’em, you flaunt ’em!”
Steffi Seffinger – One half of the Twit Twins. Writing a political memoir: My Contributions to Ashland, Oregon. Rejected by all publishers as a ten-page book justifying corrupt behavior on a hot mic is nothing new.
Stephen Jensen – The other half of the Twit Twins. Being a thorn in the side of acceptable behavior, common courtesy, and human decency.
Shaun Moran – Traveling to Iran. First, to gain helpful tips on how to control women. Second, to get a good deal on a batch of burqas. To be re-sold at a handsome profit to the women of Ashland who don’t mind being told to shut up.
Joy Fate – Auditioning for a part in Some Like It Hot--regional theater in Prineville, Oregon. Rejected for not learning lines quick enough and the breathy vocal tic made the casting director barf.
Michael Black – Writing love letters to Alex Jones, the My Pillow guy, and Ye. “When I grow up I want to be just like you guys!”
Islene Glatt – Crashing a memorial service and cutting to the front of the line of speakers even though not asked and definitely not wanted. Praised herself and her accomplishments. All the time wearing a Frank Sinatra hat that made her look like a wooly mammoth with a bad haircut.
Joy Fate – Fired her political ad photographer for not capturing her best side: her cleavage.
Cathy Shaw – Continuing to grasp at the straws of relevancy that ended over twenty years ago. Fending off criticism from the Anti-Inflammation League for inflaming public discourse with a daily dose of bullshit on social media. Hence the name of her company: ShawShit Machine.
Rick Landt – Approved of watering the golf course with 200,00 cases of imported Perrier and billing the expense under Swimming Pool Maintenance.
Michael Black – Writing letters to God. “Dear Old Pal Buddy-o-Mine: Please don’t let anyone find out about the mess I left behind in Utah. Please don’t let anyone find out about the mess I left behind in Grants Pass. Please don’t let anyone find out the toxic and really costly mess I’ve created in Ashland.”
Joy Fate – Drooling over the Men in Uniforms pin-up calendar.
Curtis Hayden – Yellowing at the seams while pretending he is a real journalist and that his gasbag, sandbag, scumbag, sleazebag, makes-you-gag slag-rag is worth the paper it’s printed on.
(Note from the Publisher: It is not.)
Bob Kaplan – Selling his carpetbagger image to unsuspecting Ashland citizens. Selling his Washington, D.C. Rolodex to the highest bidder.
Pam Marsh – Bought the Kaplan Rolodex and booked flights to WDC to check out living arrangements.
Joy Fate – Finally figured out that exfoliating cream does not work on plastic. And plastic doesn’t protect one from political barbs. Boo Hoo Hoo!
Michael Black – Writing letters to Santa. “Dear Fellow Old Fat White Guy: All I want for Christmas is a straight, white male staff.”
Linda Peterson Adams – Gadflying around town trying to avoid the fly swatter of a failed political candidacy. WHACK! Too late.
Paula Hyatt – Road trip to Prevarication Canyon. Fell in while over-zealously practicing “There isn’t a structural budget problem” re-election campaign speech. After clawing her way out, emerged with zero credibility or respect.
Joy Fate – Thanking people: George Kramer for his too-kind assessment by calling her a “quick study.” Herschel Walker for calling her “Marjorie Taylor Greene — only bustier.” Dave Runkel for donating his time and putting his reputation on the line. And super-duper thankfulness from the bottom of her store-bought assets to every voter who does not consider personal integrity a requirement to hold office.
John Stromberg – Putting up a yard sign. “I endorse even more fuzzy-headed old-thinking old white guys in positions of authority.”
Rich Rosenthal – Putting up a yard sign: “I endorse man caves in Lithia Park.”
Dennis Slattery – Putting up a yard sign: “I endorse anyone who endorses me, myself, and I.”
Joy Fate – Complaining on social media that she wished “people would learn to show some respect to those who wish to see the best for our city…” while ignoring her own over-the-top disrespect toward a co-worker; a supervisor; a boss; and fabricating falsehoods (in a City Hall investigation) so preposterous no one believed her.
Jim Falkenstein – Patiently running a cool campaign to save Ashland from a tourist-starved, tourist-dependent economy. Received a snotty postcard from Jesus who wrote him from the Mount (Ashland) with homilies like: “Saving mankind is my gig, you noodlehead! I just haven’t decided if it is worth it or not.”
Linda Peterson Adams – Tried to take credit for the Falkenstein postcard. No one believed her. Because unlike the bogus Shaun Moran postcard, this one was funny.
Joe Lessard – Solving the out-out-control/piss poor management at Porks & Wreck by introducing two ballot measures for the fall election. But too over-worked to put a blurb in the Voters’ Pamphlet? OOPS!
Joy Fate – Dodging transparency, accountability, and turtleneck blouses.
Mike Gardiner – Evil plotting for the Parks Commission and Parks Foundation to turn a power and money grab by Parks into a phony claim to “Save Our Parks.” More like saving the asses of assholes.
Eric Hansen – Skateboarding; zip-lining; big wave surfing; extreme kayaking; Frisbee golfing; dirt biking; rock climbing; Class 5 whitewater rafting; and hiking without a trail — all the while fist-pumping and screaming, “Solar Power, baby, all the way!”
Dean Silver – Spent this summer as well as the last two years painstakingly trying to educate the masses.
Note from the Publisher: Bless his hardworking heart!
The Chamber of Commerce – Did what it does every season: A whole lotta nuthin’ for a whole lotta money. Unless you count the “Let’s schmooze each other” taxpayer-funded fancy lunches at Lark’s.
The Proprietress (of a popular Ashland restaurant) – Totally weirded out by strange loud-mouthed women calling her up and demanding she make her highly-qualified/highly connected/highly financed husband drop out of the city council race.
Tonya Graham – Proving she still doesn’t know what she’s talking about when still espousing the need for an unaffordable and unnecessary new City Hall. Reading an engineering report is not the same thing as understanding it.
Cathy Shaw – Although trying desperately to craft even more flimflammery to shove on Ashland citizens, still has not topped the whopper of a statement that Ashland needed a new City Hall for “social infrastructure” reasons. WTH? Finally–this old dog can’t hunt and it ain’t learning any new tricks!
Julie Akins – Took up knitting. Tried using threads from a sow’s ear to make a silk purse. Pondering whether better materials could have been more successful.
Tonya Graham – Took up knitting. Tried to figure out if this hobby was something the Mayor should apologize for. Ended up with a massive greene muffler the size of Delaware. Her brilliant idea: Use it to cover the skies over Ashland, thus protecting the town from Climate Change. Concerned citizens wanted to know how this shield would stay suspended in the air. “Easy peasy,” T.G. replied with glee. “Natural gas emitted from our BuBu’s.” (Bumbling Bureaucrats) The Mayor sent T.G. a nice note: “Just so you know, you pull one thread, the whole thing unravels.” Again T.G. replied with glee, “So what? I’ll blame it on you. You must apologize!”
Joy Fate – Shopping for a victory dress to wear at the first City Council meeting in January 2023–a knock-off of the slinky gold lamé cocktail dress worn by Beth Dutton in Season 4 of Yellowstone.
(Note from the Fashion Police: It’s a humdinger!)
Tonya Graham – When told she was the most unpopular councilperson in Ashland (based on a voting record somewhere between moronic and idiotic and a personality halfway between Unpleasant Valley and Hell’s Kitchen), replied, “What do I care? Life isn’t a popularity contest.” When informed that politics is a popularity contest, shrugged her shoulders and said, “What do I care? Do you know who my opponent is?”
(Note from the Publisher: This is why the write-in vote was invented.)
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There you have it. Another abnormal season blasted into the record books.
To every thing there is a season, and thank goodness it’s now fall. Every season has a purpose–especially this one. So whatever your opinion; your vision; your plans for you and your family; your hopes for the future of your community; state; or country, you must VOTE. The more voices that are heard, the stronger democracy is.
And a strong showing for democracy in the fall is needed not just to prevent a winter of discontent, but because no season can survive without it.
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