Is Ashland Oregon Full of Fecal Matter? Depends on where you look.

 Issue Number 53

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To err is human. To propagate poop is also human. But way more icky.

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Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Hear all about it! Ashland, Oregon is full of crap!

First, quite literally, as in October 2022 a tsunami of raw sewage flooded the home of an Ashland citizen. She lost her house; her rental income; and 90% of her personal belongings. Since not even a pen of pigs would live in that filth, she had to vacate the premises immediately.

YIKES — better call Poop Busters!

(Publisher Note: This is not the first time this has happened to a home in Ashland.)

To date the homeowner has received no assistance nor financial help from City Hall. Not even an apology.

To Travel Oregon for their next advertising slogan:

Come to Ashland, Oregon. But don’t forget to pack your shit-kicking boots. Cuz you’ll need them.

To Ashland Chamber of Commerce for their next advertising slogan:

Come to Ashland because of the community. Leave because of the stench.

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Second, there’s the whole stinky political scene in Ashland due in part to the machinations of the ShawShit Machine. One of its activities is regularly slinging poopy propaganda in social media and printed materials. Here’s the ShawShit Machine at work:

Third, a full-of-crap experience involves another Ashland citizen, Curtis Hayden: the publisher of one of Ashland’s popular magazines because it’s free. This is not the first time we at the Gazette have had issues with the Hayden’s intolerance of other people’s opinions — where he dismisses them as being “unhinged” — one of his favorite words. (Gazette article dated 10/25/2020.)

In the latest edition of the Sneaky Preview (3/03/23) Hayden quotes former councilman Steven Jensen airing his grievances regarding a blogger’s “rambling spew” in a post from 2020. The author of the blog post was me.

Then Hayden says:

“I only bring this up because both Jensen and I were sued by the blogger…”

Oh boy. Here we go again: Hayden knowingly printing a false statement as a fact.

I never sued him. I never sued Jensen. If he thinks I did, I would like to ask him, how much did I sue him for? In this fantasy scenario, I’m hoping I asked for a bundle. Like $333 million, at least.

The weird thing here is that statement is so easy to prove if it’s true or not.

Just ask Hayden: Who was his attorney? Which court had jurisdiction? Who was the judge? What was the court case number? When was he served a subpoena? When did he give a deposition? Any witnesses for the defense? When was the settlement date? What was the settlement outcome?

Hayden continues about the blogger: “…hired some hot shot lawyer out of Portland to scare us.”

Oh boy oh boy again.

Yes, I did hire an attorney to protect myself from defamation. What Hayden and Jensen did receive from my attorney was what I would call a ‘here’s where you screwed up’ letter.

For Hayden and Jensen: This is not the same thing as a lawsuit. Maybe you need to hire a hot shot lawyer yourselves to explain the difference?

(Note: Former Councilman Rich Rosenthal and current gadfly Linda Peterson Adams also received letters for different infringements: Rosenthal accused me of racism (in a “Dear Friends” email) and Linda Peterson Adams stated (on NextDoor) that I wrote the infamous and illegal Shaun Moran postcard. Both not true.

Whether or not Hayden was scared by the hot shot attorney is easy to ascertain. He should print the Unabomber-length letter he wrote to the attorney defending his actions. Let the readers decide if Hayden sounds like a rational being or a whiny little weasel trying to worm his way out of the legally precarious situation of his own making. (I listened between the lines. I heard squealing. Like a rawith its tail caught in a trap.)

Another good idea about that letter: Make sure Jensen reads it. Then he will see an example of what a “rambling spew” really looks like.

Continuing, Hayden states:

“I was willing to go to court…”

Oh boy oh boy again.

First of all, Hayden had no attorney. In his letter he mentioned the legal advice he received from his golfing buddy. But he claimed this guy did not represent him.

Was Hayden thinking of representing himself? Had he not heard of the wise old saying: “A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”

Or how about: “You get what you pay for.”

By the way to Hayden: There is no wise old saying that says a woman who stands up for herself will be made to “look a little foolish”— which is how Hayden characterized the blogger. Perhaps the fool in this situation is an old-thinking male who feels his masculinity being threatened?

If Hayden thought he was in the right, why did he print a retraction? Maybe by not issuing a retraction he would get his wish “to go to court.”

Perplexing is why Hayden would lie about this situation. First because no one really gives a crap. And second, the Truth is so easy to prove.

I had to find out why. Even through the malodorous vapors of a turd pie served up by Hayden, I smelled a good story for the Outlandia Gazette. So I did what any good reporter/editor/publisher does. I called in the experts.

First up, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who agreed to come out of retirement–where she has relocated to a fluffy cloud in the wild blue yonder.

She addressed the premise in Hayden’s latest blathering: “I was willing to go to court…”

From Justice Ginsburg’s report:

“Fey! Is this Hayden guy a putz? A shmendrik? A schlump? No one in their right mind wants to go to court! Even if you think you will easily win. Because the only entities that win are the lawyers. (And by the way, not a whole lot of lawyers where I am now.)

Going to court is a time-wasting, money-draining, anger-exploding, soul-crushing experience. Most civil court cases are not about justice. They’re about billable hours. Pay up or go home.

Consequently in this case, I surmise that the plaintiff’s attorney would have thoroughly researched everything Mr. Hayden had ever written in the Sneaky Preview. All of it could be construed to question his ethics; biases; creepy tendencies; illegalities; unequal billing practices; name calling; untruths, etc.

Mr. Hayden would have to try to justify everything — while under oath. His deposition could last for days — even weeks! All the while the only sound he would hear all day and in his nightmares is ‘Cha-Ching’ — the sound of a cash register pouring out his cash to pay legal fees.

There is a truism in the legal world and it is this: The person who wins a civil lawsuit is the person who is willing to bleed the longest.

How much blood does Mr. Hayden have left? I’m guessing not a whole lot.

Therefore, when Mr. Hayden decided to write the retraction about the blogger and be done with this episode, he did the smart thing. Now to infer that he wished he hadn’t is downright meshuggah. Or as my new pal Oscar Wilde would say, ‘Feckin’ meshuggah!’

(By the way #2: Everyone swears in Heaven. Because Heaven is where everyone finally gets to be their authentic selves–with no judgment. It’s only on Earth where people feign indignation with swear words.)

Lastly to wrap this up (because I have a bridge game starting soon with Oscar, Freddie Douglass, and Susie Anthony), Mr. Hayden should be extremely careful when it comes to disparaging people in print. He needs to know that although he does not mention people’s names, that does NOT protect him from being sued for libel. And best to leave that blogger alone–as she is within her legal rights to write what she does. And she will outwit him; out-write him; and out-bleed him every time.

Stay strong like a girl,

Ruthie”

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Next up, to solve the riddle why someone would blatantly lie and say they were sued when they were not, a top-notch team of detectives was assembled.

Lt. Frank Colombo

Inspector Clouseau

Sherlock Holmes

They were retained to do a deep dive into Hayden’s background to detect his motivation for printing falsehoods. Here are some interesting factoids they discovered.

From Columbo: Hayden’s class photo from 4th grade. Not a popular kid in school–unless you needed an excuse why you didn’t finish your homework.

From Clouseau: Hayden’s high school crush was Cathy Shaw. She turned him down for a date to the Senior Prom. He vowed to one day win her favor, which is why he adamantly supports her political agenda in the Sneaky Preview–like the Porks & Wreck money-grab ballot measure. To this day he carries her photo in his wallet.

From Sherlock: Candid photo from college:

Personal motto:

“Hey, ladies. Wanna guzzle with me? And then nuzzle with me?”

After four years he received zero response from females (including dogs and hamsters).

Later served as a mentor to Brent Kavanawful by teaching him:

“Men need to guzzle. Women need to muzzle!”

Columbo: Hayden’s first job.

He has been involved in this profession ever since.

Clouseau: Uncovered old photos from the bowels of the Ashland Library. Original Sneaky Preview corporate office:

The original staff:

Original company logo:

The swatter is not for the flies. It is for swatting away Truth.

Sherlock: Hayden’s most recent driver’s license photo:

Latest personal motto:

“This old dog is still gonna hunt. Only with no bark. And no bite.”

Columbo: In 2021 Hayden received the Schmuck Plaque awarded by LAVA — a women’s civic organization.

It is bestowed upon an old-thinking white man’s public display of patriarchal puffery. Hayden won it for thinking the only value a woman has is to provide a house for him to live in. The plaque consists of two of the planet’s most useless items: dryer lint and used dryer sheets.

Three other Ashlanders have also received this award. Former councilman Steven Jensen won the Schmuck Plaque in 2020 for thinking “satire does not belong in a town like Ashland” and serious woe to a woman who writes it.

[Note from Aristotle: “To condemn satire is one of the stupidest things I have heard in the 2,500+ years I have been studying the vices of mankind. The other two are the Giant Cheeto saying, ‘I won the election and George Santos is my V.P’ and Pooty Pootin saying, ‘I am not war criminal! I am war hero! With big weapon! In my pants!“]

Former Mayor John Stromberg won the LAVA plaque in 2017 for thinking that men who illegally fire women in the workplace should not lose their jobs as it would hurt their feelings. Parks & Rec Director Michael Black won it in 2016, 2018, 2019, and 2022 for thinking that women exist only to do what he says and should be struck mute for ever complaining that misogyny, homophobia, or assholishness produces a toxic work culture. (Black is also the Vegas-odds front-runner to win again in 2023.)

Clouseau: After a couple years Hayden is still irked by being bested by a legal gunslinger hired by a woman he considers a battleax who doesn’t know her proper place in the Kingdom of Man. Aware that holding this grudge has started to pickle his brain, he has been sneaking into Bloomsbury Books after hours to read a 120 page self-help book (because he can’t afford to buy a copy for himself).

After two years he’s about half finished. But so far can’t get over his preoccupation with that stuff the author is talking about.

Sherlock: After consulting neurologists, they conclude Hayden’s quasi-truthiness condition is known as cognitive himpairment. It manifests itself as not being able to distinguish between reality and fantasy–especially if a female is involved. They state the cause is due to wearing a hat (a gift from Michael Black) which is way too small for his inflated head, thereby cutting off the oxygen supply to his brain.

Following is the esteemed Detective Trio’s consensus regarding Hayden’s prevarication problem.

Prognosis for improvement: Must remove said hat.

Prognosis for this happening: Not likely.

Conclusion: Can’t believe what this guy says.

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Thank you, Team!

And to answer the question if Ashland has a fecal matter problem, some might agree with illustrious author Carl Hiaasen who wrote in one of his satirical novels:

“The whole world is a sewer and we’re all dodging shit.”

Or maybe it’s that there are only pockets of poo, doo doo, b.s., crap, raw sewage, horseshit, and shite flowing here and there throughout this town.

Either way, gotta be glad the Park’s poop bags are free.

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