Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com www.fuchsiawoman.com
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 48 – December 26, 2020
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“People in an organizational hierarchy (like a corporation or government bureaucracy) tend to rise to their level of incompetency.” – Laurence J. Peter, explaining the world-renown business theory: The Peter Principle.
After studying Ashland, Oregon‘s City Hall functionality, he is considering changing the name to The Hanks Principle.
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Publisher’s Note: The second in a series of articles by animated reporter FuchsiaWoman, adept at finding the cartoonish reality in every story.
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A lavish New Year’s Eve celebration was held at a pricey hotel (Ashland Springs) on December 31, 2020 through January 1, 2021. Guests indulged themselves with free limousine rides, spa services, and a swag bag of goodies from Paddington Station. The annual event has been nicknamed BashLand–a reference to elected officials/city employees bashing prudent civic stewardship and fiscal responsibility–and getting away with it year after year.
Similarly, the rash decision to NOT require attendees to wear masks produced another nickname: RashLand.
The fact that most were trashed by 10:00 pm–as cocktails paid for by Senior Citizens’ pensions taste all the more intoxicating–created another nickname: TrashLand. Which contributed to slurred speech. Which when added to loud disco music; boisterous bragging sessions; and several diva dramas; conversations were sometimes difficult to understand. One-hundred percent accuracy cannot be guaranteed, but every attempt was made to get it correct when reporting answers to two questions:
A: What is your name?
B. Why are or aren’t you wearing a mask?
In no particular order, following are statements of those willing to go on the record.
Colleen – Who refused to state her last name as she is running for re-election for Jackson County Supervisor in 2022 and didn’t want anyone to know she was slumming in Ashland just for the freebies. She said, “Masks are worthless. They are a violation of personal liberties. If you want to avoid Covid take Vitamin C.”
Several Rogue Valley residents had previously dropped off bodies of dead relatives onto this woman’s doorstep. But that’s a whole other story…
Adam ‘I deserve to be City Manager because I love a cronyism/nepotism/non-transparent type government’ Hanks: “Shay, I barfed in my mask. Sho what? I had to tossh it.”
Tina ‘the Marvelous Mrs. Fibber’ Gray – “I don’t wear a mask because I can’t lie and chew gum at the same time. Like I did in the documentary Foul Play?“
Tonya ‘I’ll never take a breather from pontificating, obfuscating, and prevaricating’ Graham – “My pastor said mask wearing is too much of a political hot-button and God knows I don’t need anymore political scorchings.”
Stefi ‘no original thoughts’ Seffinger – “The crowd is not wearing a mask. I go along with the crowd.”
Stephen ‘pretentious water-wrangling trilobite’ Jensen- ” I don’t wanna talk to you. Your kind of reporting has no place in CashLand…I mean Ashland. Send over Kimberly Guilfoyle, wouldya?”
Dennis ‘clueless trilobite’ Slattery – “Wearing a mask makes it too hard for people to hear me talk about me, myself, and I.”
Rich ‘tragically buffoonish trilobite’ Rosenthal – “Give me a freakin’ break, you loud-mouthed pink-haired bimbo! My smug mug is part of my charm! Wimmen dig it!”
Curtis ‘overwrought overbearing’ trilobite’ Hayden – “Mask wearing? Hmmm… Oh yeah… It’s unhinged! It’s sleazy! Makes me want to take a shower! Yes I know those statement are trite, hackneyed, banal, tired, and moth-eaten. Someone sent me a thesaurus. Still learning how to use it.”
David ‘consigliere trilobite’ Lohman – “Interferes with projecting my criminal intent.”
John ‘full of coprolite trilobite’ Stromberg – “I have a doctor’s exemption. My age. And pathological need for recognition.”
Jackie ‘two-faced trilobite’ Bachman – “Interferes with inserting sharp objects.”
Rachel ‘working for Michael Black sucks big time’ Dials – “Interferes with eating. Do you know where the crab puffs are?”
Michael ‘women are subservient and better learn to obey’ Black – “Mask wearing impedes my ability to strut my stuff. And they’re really a bad idea at the ‘Stop the Steal’ rallies in Grants Pass.”
Cathy ‘hit my peak 25 years ago’ Shaw – “I never hide my naked ambition. Like back in the day, my naked anything.”
Julian “you’d never guess I’m a pulmonary physician’ Bell – “I don’t wear a mask because Cathy Shaw told me not to.”
Peter ‘I’ll sign my name to anything Cathy Shaw writes because I have nothing better to do’ Buckley – “Still trying to figure out insurance forms to get one.”
Jeff ‘I’ll sign my name to anything Cathy Shaw writes in exchange for political perks but not mailing bogus postcards’ Golden – “I’ve been an iconoclast all my life. Not about to change now.”
Michael ‘I’m not shit-faced, I’m sinister-faced’ Gardiner – “Someone at the Senior Center — probably a really old woman and no town wants to deal with that demographic — stole my Halloween mask of The Joker. That’s why I voted to demolish the place.”
Jim ‘I associate only with Ashlanders of my own kind’ Lewis – “Someone at the Senior Center stole my Halloween mask of Crusty the Clown. That’s why I voted to demolish the Center.”
Rick ‘I love the Seven Dwarfs’ Landt – “Someone at the Senior Center stole my Halloween mask of Dopey. That’s why I voted to demolish the Center. That and the arm-twisting. Ouch!”
Isleen ‘I left the Nut Farm in Santa Cruz to become a better paid one in Ashland’ Glatt – “What’s a mask? Does it have anything to do with yoga? OK then, I’m on it!”
Scott ‘better not check too closely how I obtained my P.E. license’ Fleury – “Whadda expect? I’m not the brightest spark in the circuit breaker. Is that electrically correct?”
Police Chief Tighe ‘anyone need a 3:00 AM wake-up call?’ O’Meara – “I got real weapons to fight Covid. It better not mess with me! Or sleep on my sidewalks!”
Sandra ‘the least return on investment of any boondoggle in Ashland’ Slattery – “Mrs. Claus doesn’t wear one. And that’s my priority job in Ashland.”
Tidings newspaper reporter Allayana ‘I manufacture a Tonya Graham plug/free advertisement/award whenever I can’ Darrow – “I don’t wear a mask because it makes me look even more biased than I already am.”
Tidings newspaper publisher Steven ‘nobody jumps on any socially-trending bandwagon more disingenuously than me’ Saslow – “I couldn’t find a white one.”
Three party guests wore a mask:
State Rep Pam ‘I voted for the Status Quo but don’t tell anyone’ Marsh – “I wear a mask because it’s the smart thing to do.”
Nataki ‘the Oregon Shakespeare Festival does not exist to provide revenue to fund City Hall’s exorbitant salaries’ Garrett – “I’m wearing a mask because it’s the right thing to do. It also slightly protects me from this wackadoodle scene that’s so bizarro even the Bard couldn’t make it up.”
Linda ‘libelous NextDoor contributor’ Peterson Adams – “I don’t want people to think my face looks like a gadfly.”
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The party was like any other uncontrolled revelry–only more political, self-serving, and diabolical. Some noteworthy incidents:
** Mrs. DeBoering left early to solicit a Covid vaccination at a local hospital. Nurse Nightengale denied the demand explaining that selling tons of cars did not qualify as a pre-existing condition.
** Clandestinely, Stephen Jensen and Mike Gardiner hooked up a firehose to the Ashland Springs Hotel main water line and siphoned thousands of gallons of water to Jensen’s property. After hotel residents complained there was no water for bathing, Jensen and Gardiner begrudgingly shut down operations–but not their sense of entitlement. They slid out the backdoor and down the street to the Columbia Hotel.
** John Stromberg and David Lohman engaged in a heated argument–like ancient bucks marking their territory.
“I get to play the lead in Godfather IV !” Stromberg shouted:
“Nuh-uh, I do!” Lohman shouted back.
“I’m gonna be Sofia Coppola’s love interest.”
“Nuh-uh, I’m better lookin’!”
“You’re delusional!” Stromberg yelled.
“I’m delusional? At least I know what day it is.”
They circled each other–slowly getting nose-to-nose.
“You ungrateful son-of-a-gun!”
“I’m ungrateful? How many times have I saved your ass?!”
Stromberg poked Lohman in the shoulder. Lohman jabbed him back. They grabbed at each other.
SPLAT! They flopped on the ground, ranting and panting; flailing and wailing.
The crowd screamed, “GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT!”
Rosenthal set up a betting table.
Rick Landt finally pulled them apart after getting slapped around in the process. He made the ClashLand warriors kiss and make up.
Gustav, the Ghost of New Year’s Future interrupted their bromance moment and whisked Stromberg up, up, and away.
(Publisher’s Note: See previous Outlandia Gazette article dated 12/18/2020 for that madcap adventure.)
** At 11:30 PM, one-half hour before Councilman Dennis Slattery would be relieved of his position, he and Interim City Administrator Adam Hanks secretly rendezvoused in a darkened corner to secretly negotiate an increase in Mrs. Slattery’s secret compensation at the Chamber of Commerce. They hammered out a deal in record time.
– The Ferarri health care package –including coverage for life — including spouse, close and distant relatives, political pals, their Christmas card list, and pets (including goldfish).
– Ten weeks of paid vacation and personal time (including but not limited to massages, hair styling, and mani/pedi’s).
– A 30% increase in base salary–effective January 1, 2021–and compounded daily for the next twenty years.
In 2040 Mrs. Slattery’s annual salary would equal $14,278,550.
“That sounds fine to me,” Slattery said.
“Sounds like CashLand to me,” Hanks said. “Don’t you want to do the math yourself?”
“Nah, accounting is not my strong suit. I prefer my Santa suit,” Slattery said. “What do you think of that amount?”
“What do I care?” Hanks said. “It’s not my money.”
They toasted their done-deal with a bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton Rothschild. After one glass, Slattery told Hanks he preferred Mountain Dew. Hanks said there was a two-year supply in the City Council secret pantry. “But the supply of government misconduct is running out. If I’m hired as City Manager I’ll make sure that stash is replenished–along with a large stash of institutionalized unaccountability.”
Slattery replied, “StashLand sounds like a great idea to me!”
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Sometime after midnight, Gustav the Ghost of New Year’s Future returned without Stromberg—left to contemplate a pile of serious consequences of his own making. Gustav reported that on their trip to The Underground they saw many limericks scrawled on Hell’s hellish walls, like:
There once was a guy named John.
Tried to make people treat him like a Don.
His Mafioso act was a joke,
Like an old fool blowing smoke,
Until one day thankfully he was gone!
There once was a guy named Lohman.
He was hardly a legal showman.
His incompetence was well-known,
His idol Roger Stone,
Made his consigliere role perfect for a con man.
There once was a guy named Rosenthal.
Had the I.Q. of a neanderthal.
In social skills he was not rich,
Too much exposure made you itch,
Earned the title Councilor Screwball.
There once was a guy named Stephen,
Who had no positive qualities to believe in.
He wanted to run for mayor,
But he didn’t dare,
Because there was too much water thievin’.
For the next ride into the future, Gustav snared another unsuspecting BuBu: Rich Rosenthal–grabbing him by the cuff of his orange, ‘made-in-China’, Mar-a-Lago golf sweater. Gustav swooshed into the cosmos with Rosenthal dangling by a thread. Most City Hall party-goers waved bye-bye. But few were listening to Gustav’s parting words of futuristic importance:
“Ashland‘s viability depends on quality governance.
Or instead of Ashland, say hello to Bash–Rash–Trash-Clash-Cash–StashLand.”
And who wants to live there?
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