presents the
Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: We are dedicated to the proposition that everyone is created equal and deserves to be treated equally and respectfully.
Issue No. 3 February 21, 2018
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First up, an article about big news out of Hollyweird.
The Coen Brothers announce the sequel to their hit movie “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.” It’s called “Three or More Billboards Outside Ashland, Oregon.” Production details have not yet been finalized but some of the billboards may read:
1. Too much testosterone.
2. Too little regard for seniors, women, common decency, fiscal responsibility, accountability, reality.
3. City Gov’t: What do you plan to do about it?
OR:
1. And you thought Portland was weird?
2. And you thought Eugene had problems?
3. And you thought the White House was messed up?
OR:
1. Ashland City Gov’t: Where we serve poo-pie to our seniors and hope they swallow it.
2. Ashland City Gov’t: Where our heads have been up our derrières for so long we like to operate in the dark.
3. Ashland City Gov’t: We’re not a poop-hole yet!
OR:
1. Ashland: Come for the ambiance. Leave for the incompetence.
2. Ashland: Where being a BuBu (Bumbling Bureaucrat) keeps you employed. Non-Bu Bu’s need not apply.
3. Ashland: You won’t need a barrel of Southern Oregon’s fine wine to be drunk on power.
4. But, shay, if you’ve got a barrel, shend it on over!
OR:
1. Welcome to Ashland. Where we run a bookstore out of town because we don’t understand a banned-book display.
2. Welcome to Ashland: Where we will damage your home but not pay for it. Unless you get a lawyer. Drat.
3. Welcome to Ashland: Where the housing needs of the DeBoer people take precedent over the DePoor people.
4. Welcome to Ashland: Where dwindling ticket sales of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival are blamed on smoke. But not the banquet scene from Timon of Athens where the sexual assault of two women by two gleeful men, including the women’s dismemberment and stomping on their legless/armless torsos, and pulling red ribbons of out of their bodies (disembowelment?!) is presented as comedy, merriment, and a jolly good time by the all-male party-goers AND causes sickened audience members to flee the auditorium in disgust without so much as an admission by the self-proclaimed creative geniuses of the illustrious OSF staff that this scene was actually an ugly misogynistic over-the-top bastardization of Mr. Shakespeare’s play and an example of the all-too pervasive violence against women that perpetrators try to normalize in American life.
Editorial Comment: STOP IT ALREADY!
Feel free to contact the Coen Brothers about which of the above billboards are your favorite — or any original ones you may have thought of. They do plan to bring back Mildred in a cameo role. But admit that whipping Ashland, Oregon into shape may even be too difficult for her.
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Second article: Weather forecasters are correct. The Twitter Twister storm engulfing Ashland continues to dump buckets of tweets over City Hall—usually in the vicinity of BuBu’s patting themselves on their backs. Latest batch includes the following:
Ashland changes its city motto. From: “It’s a jungle out there. Welcome to our neighborly neighborhood.” To: “Dissenting citizens got no reason to fault our fiefdom. Throw the bums out!”
February is Ashland’s Culinary Month. Serves up dish inspired by draconian lay-off of five female employees: Saturday Night Massacre Hash. Non-just desserts: screwing with insurance and pension benefits. No one can stomach it except BuBu’s.
Senior citizens gather at City Hall to complain about the demolition of their center; the dismissal of its competent and compassionate staff; and the malarkey thrown at them that the “new and improved” future senior center is exactly what they want whether they know it or not. An unidentified BuBu hands them each a sucker and barks, “Go away! Or better yet–move out of town!”
Gazette readers say they’re sick of hearing one BuBu say about another BuBu: “If he were in private enterprise he’d be making much more money.” Not true. Nests of BuBu’s can only produce more BuBu’s. Not competence. Check with Gregor Mendel.
Finance department BuBu’s approve expenditure to purchase 25,000 gallons of white paint to continue to whitewash City Hall operations. An additional 10,000 gallons of white paint is estimated to be needed to paint the stonewall surrounding City Hall.
Ashland’s city government began as a democracy. Over time it morphed into a patriarchy; then mutated into a kakistocracy. Concerned citizens staged a coup. They formed a capracracy, stating that “being governed by goats is preferable to the government we have now.”
Roget Publishing Co. sends copies of its thesaurus to Ashland’s BuBu’s imploring them to find a new term for Lithia Park other than calling it a “jewel.” Meanwhile the Humankind Club informs BuBu’s that a town’s “jewel” is its people; not a land mass.
Kentucky, Ohio, and Tennessee successfully sue Oregon for ruining the name of Ashland as a perfectly good place to live. Judge Wise rules the Oregon town must change its name to either Bashland, Slapdashland or Balderdashland. BuBu’s beg judge to let them use the name JewelLand.
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Third article: City Hall’s Ad Hoc ‘smart-as-a-celery-stalk’ Committee announces the winner of the Sweet Talk-No Poppycock Poetry Contest, a literary jewel which best exemplifies the jeweled mindset, values, and competency of Ashland’s city government. After several months there was finally one submission. Apparently other poets were flummoxed by the term “jeweled.” But not the winning poet—Alfred E. Geisel (Dr. Seuss’s lesser-known brother). Take it away, Al!
BuBu’s many boo-boos create large piles of poo-poos.
Whose ooze can infuse Ashland’s jeweled values,
And cause many of youse to feel the blues.
So refuse to excuse the BuBu’s Senior Center ruse;
And don’t let ’em step on your blue suede shoes!
First place prize: Oregon Shakespeare Festival turning the poem into a musical. The roles of the BuBu’s will be played by the Lord Voldemort Ensemble.
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Lastly, this issue was supposed to have guest columnist Niccolò Machiavelli — Italian philosopher, political theorist, diplomat, writer, and Renaissance man known as Signore Devious — compare and contrast the city governments of Ashland, Oregon 2018 and Florence, Italy in the 16th century.
But the publisher demands that we put this issue to bed so the rest of the staff can watch the Olympics.
Catch ya next time!
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