presents the
Ashlandia Gazette
All editorial — All social commentary —
All for the common good
T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
MOTTO: We believe you can fight City Hall. We believe you can fight injustice. We believe you should.
Issue No. 5 March 4, 2018
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Jackson County’s weather expert, Professor Nostra Dameus, confirms the Twitter Twister continues to storm over Ashland’s City Hall–with no end in sight. Latest tweets dumped in our “fair city” (which incidentally isn’t really “fair” at all–to be explained later):
Mayor BuBu involved in real recall. Turns out general fund budget is a $2million deficit; not $10million in the red as originally approved. “What do I know about budgeting?” the mayor asked. Meanwhile a BAD guy (Berkeley Accredidation Dude) is searching City Hall to rescind the mayor’s PhD degree based on his dissertation: Internal Mechanisms of the Defense Budget Process.
Mayor BuBu spotted in the bushes outside Alchemy’s Bar–disguised as a lawn gnome. Turns out Harry Truman is in town trying to give him his desk sign: “The buck stops here.” Citizens walking past the lawn gnome stop and say, “Hi Mayor Stromberg!” The mayor asks what gives away his disguise. “Pointy head,” they respond.
Big Pharma announces new drug: Bullara. It’s designed to increase aggressive and destructive behavior towards others while decreasing honor and brain cells. Sales skyrocket in Ashland, OR–especially among the BuBu population. In related news, sales also skyrocket at the Ashland Grange for cattle-size nose rings.
Thomas Jefferson chastises Mayor BuBu for misuse of his quote in the Daily Tidings. “I was rallying the troops to fight a bloody war against economic tyranny–NOT forming a democracy,” he said. Aas far as Ashland’s citizens being persuaded to ‘mutually pledge to each other their lives and fortunes,’ are you nuts? They’re just trying to enjoy their lives without government corruption interfering with it. And what a joke you mention the part about pledging ‘our sacred honor.’ Aren’t you all high on Bullara?”
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Thank you, Thomas Jefferson, who has agreed to clarify this quote and why Mayor BuBu has it all wrong with his “Guest Opinion.” Take it away, President Jefferson!
Because I care about the United States of America, and because I care about my legacy that has influenced America over the years, I need to set the record straight about this now infamous quote. So vast is my desire to correct the misconception that I have interrupted my rather pleasurable existence in eternity to do so.
Mayor BuBu said: “But as your fellow citizen I remind you of the commitment our forefathers made when they first created our democracy. ‘And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our Sacred Honor.’ Two-hundred forty-one years later, we are the beneficiaries of their efforts and their sacrifices. We have responsibilities…”
First of all, this is the last line of the Declaration of Independence, written in 1776, as a document to proclaim the thirteen colonies’ break from the rule of King George. It is not original thought; but a compilation of previous writings. It was the act that was important; not the text. As such, its influence as a political philosophy is negligible.
I threw in the line about “Divine Providence” to inspire our troops in battle and give them hope that God was on our side. I have no idea if that was true. And since none of us do, we (the “forefathers’) always knew that in the eventual nation that we formed with a Constitution in 1787, there would most definitely be a separation of church and state. For a latter-day American such as Mayor BuBu to invoke God into a plea to vote a certain way is a flimflam tactic.
In addition, for a mayor to not have the integrity to verify my quote and make sure it was applicable demonstrates a low level of honesty responding to his citizens. After all, no one can remember tenth grade history. So when in doubt, dearest politicians, at least give the appearance of concern and look it up!
In preparing my statement, I did my homework. I’ve read the statements. I’ve read the Performace Audit. I’ve read the interviews. I’ve read the letters to the editor. I’ve even watched videos–which by the way, never thought I’d see such an invention! In my political opinion, the issue facing Ashland with the recall is not a citizen’s test. That jargon is a poor attempt to intimidate citizens to vote a certain way OR they ‘fail the imaginary test.’ Shameful.
The issue at hand is one about the quality of life that Ashlanders want in their town. Do they want respect for seniors? Respect for female employees? Respect for what the citizens want and not what the politicians–or as you call them: Bumbling Bureaucrats–want to shove down their throats? Do Ashlanders want representation by a cadre of people who read a 160-page document assembled by people who don’t even know their town OR the community spirit OR the progressive mindset of its citizens and do not have the cognitive wherewithal to determine its validity?
It is pure hogwash that a recall is un-American. America was founded on rebellion. It is the American way to stand up to tyranny and to speak out against what is not right. If the citizens of the original thirteen colonies decided to conform to unfair ways of thinking, all of you would be speaking to a royal (then parliamentary) power with a British accent.
Lastly, as a writer, I take umbrage with the words used by Mayor BuBu: drastic; death sentence; risky; felony; demagoguery; doubts about veracity; implicit contract; humiliate; punish; paralyze; create a chilling effect; possibly end independence…” This is blatant fear mongering. It brings out the worst in human behavior. It is the opposite of what a true leader does, which is inspiring people to be their best selves.
In conclusion, I know what leadership looks like. And Mayor BuBu, you are no leader.
I know I got it wrong with slavery. I am deeply ashamed. And likewise I got it wrong with the “all men are created equal” at the exclusion of women. But I have changed. I regret my past sins. You need to change your good ol’ boys club mentality as well. Here’s what I want you to do: Every time you see a nickel, instead of thinking about that bonehead quote of mine you used in your article, instead think of this one: “Men of quality are not threatened by women of equality.”
Otherwise you are only perpetuating a sham of a scam of American ideals.
Whew! All that from a guy who thinks of himself as a humble farmer. Maybe that’s part of his greatness: humility. You won’t find that in Ashland’s City Hall.
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Update from the Luna Cafe: Nicòlo Machiavelli finally quit eating and drinking. (Dreading that final bill!) He bestowed awards for best pizza – the grilled flatbread chicken version with bacon, cheddar, jalapeno, mozarella, and marinara. Best wine: Weisinger’s 2014 Estate Pinot Noir.
With a sharp kiss to his fingertips he exclaimed,“Molto delizioso!” And drove out of town with some old orange-colored guy who said he had better wine, a better golf course, and better corruption.
But wait–there’s more! Stay tuned for our next edition: Part 3 of the dissection of the mayor’s guest column where the City Council Meeting video (February 2018) will be compared and contrasted with a video filmed in 2013 of the mayor and APRC commish singing the praises of the excellent job accomplished by the director of the Senior Center.
Thanks for reading…
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