Upcoming Feature Film: From Host Town to Ghost Town – The unfortunate demise of Ashland, Oregon

presents the

Outlandia Gazette

T.G. Buckley-Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl

MOTTO: Presenting our Truth with a capital 'T.'  
Vero Nihil Verius. Nothing is truer than truth.

All editorial    All social commentary    All for the common good

Issue Number 22

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In 2019 the Harvard Business Review published an article titled “Organizational Culture in Ashland, Oregon: A Recipe for Disaster.” During a ten-year period from 2009 to 2019, Harvard civic and business genuises chronicled the death of this once vibrant and welcoming community—concluding succinctly that “due to an odious outpouring of out-dated, old-thinking, self-serving, good-ol’ white boys (and the females that support them) mindset, Ashland succumbed–figuratively and literally–to a lava flow of social and political upheaval directed at City Hall and other institutions. When the smoke cleared, only the ashes of regret and remorse remained.

The article was rife with examples of how this town imploded. For example, in a classroom setting of senior citizens a male student voices his opinion of a baseball player in such a way as to advocate sexual assault against his sister. A female student calls him out on this. The teacher is aghast. But twenty-five other male and female students either think this comment is acceptable–or if they don’t, nary a one says a word.

The school receives a critical email from the female student who was horrified by the incident. Part of her email is quoted in the HBR article, which is a spoof on the school’s motto:

Come for the classes, stay if you love creepiness.

Come for the classes, stay for an atmosphere that tolerates sexism.

Come for the classes, stay for the hypocrisy.

Come for the classes, stay for the denials when speaking up against unacceptable comments.

Come for the classes, stay for flushing the toilet because some guy forgot to.

Come for the classes, stay for the disappointment in the shrinking character of fellow classmates.

The female student received an email from a different teacher regarding this matter. This teacher had taken umbrage that her female experience did not match his male experience (which does not include residence in Ashland), therefore hers most certainly was invalid, not to mention her behavior of which he did not approve–big time. At first the female student intended to write another email in response to this gaslit dismissive missive, saying to the Powers That Be:

Who died and made this teacher Sigmund Freud?

Who died and made this teacher Judge Judy?

Who died and made this teacher just like all the other self-absorbed, self-important, self-entitled, condescending, old-thinking, patriarchal white males trying desperately to protect their dominion and dominate status? No one. They chose to be this way.

But since she received no reply to the first email from the school, she figured why bother.

But the Harvard Business Review editors leaped on this story. As well as others, including those about:

* The firing of the Senior Center Manager (and her female staff of four) and subsequent lawsuit.

* The conduct of the Ashland Police Department in their dealings with non-rich, non-white, non-housed people–in a city that claims to embrace diversity and compassion.

* The Japanese Garden Debacle and the execution order of two healthy 100-year-old fir trees so a rich white man could have his bamboo way in Lithia Park–with zero consideration of what the other 20,000 residents of Ashland wanted.

* The Community Center Debacle causing the uprooting of free meals to the needy so one rich white man doesn’t have to look at poor people out of the plate-glass windows his newly-constructed Lithia Park home.

* The dissolution of the Fourth Estate and unbiased reporting no longer contained in the Ashland Daily Tidings newspaper.

* Due to lack of imagination the inability of the Chamber of Commerce to promote economic growth in a town that is dwindling in business opportunities as well as population.

* The grotesque bloat that is the over-employed, over-paid, under-ethical City Hall staff.

* The  inability of the Mayor and City Council persons to balance the budget without yet again raising taxes.

* The firing of a city-employed engineer–and subsequent lawsuit that the City of Ashland lost but yet chooses to appeal a unanimous jury decision because that insolence is the gas that fuels the Mean Machine that is Ashland’s City Hall.

* The meant-to-be comedic “Timon of Athens” sexual assault scene by the Oregon Shakespeare Festival along with its boycott of a hometown, woman-owned bookstore.

* The practice of censorship by the Ashland Library (like this newspaper).

* The treachery of women who slamdunk other women in order to be appointed to a city council position or to keep in good sycophantic standing with the good ol’ boys club.

* The homophobic response by Jefferson Public Radio to not allow Emma’s Revolution to sing on its airwaves.

And many more stories, told on the streets of Ashland, in cafes or restaurants, in shops and salons, or in living rooms if one would just take the time to ask and listen. And not surround oneself in a bubble of self-protection of one’s self-delusion and self-aggrandizement.

At the end of the article, HBR editors profusely thanked their main source of information: a hardworking, earnest group of women (and their supporters) dedicated to the proposition that all men AND women are created equal–and determined by golly to upend the malicious mentality abounding in Ashland’s City Hall and other institutions.

Due to the length of the article/space constraints, the list of women was too large to print each name separately, so HBR abbreviated the list to LAVA which is how the Ladies of Ashland Voices for Altruism got their nickname.

The article was a smashing success for the publication, selling out every edition. The HBR website crashed frequently due to overwhelming demand on the download function. The article received glowing reviews from The New Yorker, The Atlantic, Brain Pickings, Slate Magazine, BUST, Forbes, Daily Kos, L.A. Times, etc., and of course, the Outlandia Gazette.

LAVA became America’s sweethearts–with big mouths to match. They partied with Oprah & Gayle; Anderson & Mayor Pete. They went fishing with Rachel and shopping with the K’s. They played tennis with Serena and golfed with Tiger. They dined with The Royals and at Downton Abbey. They sang back-up on Taylor’s new single and went disco dancing with AOC & RBG. They babysat for J-Lo and A-Rod.

Media demand was so high they divided into groups, appearing on various shows–including Ted Talks, Fresh Air with Terry Gross, Late Night with Seth Meyers, This American Life, Jeopardy!, Trevor Noah, The View, The Voice, and Sesame Street.

On Today with Hoda and Jenna they out-wined Hoda. On Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee Jerry Seinfeld remarked that in the history of his show he had never seen such coffee guzzlers. To which the women replied, “Give us enough coffee and we can rule the world!”

This town of Ashland was juicy stuff! Corruption, greed, cartoon characters, villains, and heroines/heroes galore!

And then the inevitable happened: Hollywood came calling. Starved for original content, a bidding war broke out for the rights to the LAVA story. All major and minor movie, TV, and on-line streaming production companies jumped into the fray–with many admitting they were in it for the #MeToo/#TimesUp/#EnoughIsEough/#WomensMarch goodwill the film would generate–while hoping to get the public to forget about the pervasive douchebagery they had created.

LAVA did not go with the highest bidder. Instead they went with a small but talented group called Fem Fury Productions–who commissioned a script called “From Host Town to Ghost Town” and began filming the movie.

The Outlandia Gazette placed a couple of sources (spies) within the production company. We were not able to obtain the complete top-secret script, but here is what we have uncovered so far:

Partial Cast of Characters

Mayor John “I’m not incompetent I just like to nap” Stromberg – played by Paul Giamatti with an added stoop and eight pounds of makeup to age him.

Rich “Blackest Day in Ashland’s history is when old-thinking white men are held accountable for being dumb and misogynistic” Rosenthal – played by Porky Pig.

Stefani “Not So Sharp” Seffinger – played by Betty White.

Dennis “Slack Eye/I, I, I” Slattery – played by Foghorn Leghorn.

Jackie “Sinister Sister” Bachman –  played by Lady Macbeth.

Stephen “Does anybody even know what this guy does?” Jensen – played by a blob.

Mike “Uriah Heep of Mendacity” Gardiner – played by the Tazmanian Devil.

Rachel “Cruella de Ville” Dials – played by Glenn Close.

Julie “What am I doing in this moronic miasma?” Akins – played by Laura Dern.

Julian “What am I doing in this moronic miasma?” Bell – played by Harrison Ford.

Mark “So glad I got out of this moronic miasma with my financial reputation still intact” Welch – played by Brad Pitt.

Tonya “I vote to raise taxes” Graham – played by any generic BuBu (bumbling bureaucrat).

Kelly “I bend whichever way the wind blows” Madding – played by Tweety Bird.

David “Shoot my mouth off disparaging Ashland citizenry” Lohman – played by Elmer Fudd.

Anne “I steal your emails” Bellegia – played by a census taker incensed on knowing your gender if it is neither male nor female.

Jim “Quack Quack Quack” Lewis – played by Daffy Duck.

Rick “Quack Quack Quack” Landt – played by Donald Duck.

Traci “I prefer to nurse people in need; not persons in greed” Darrow – played by Julia Roberts.

Isleen “Just tryin’ to keep my job so I will say whatever you want me to say” Glatt – played by Lady Justice holding the scales wearing a blindfold.

Cathy “Refuse to acknowledge Ashland needs a paradigm shift” Shaw – played by the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

The “Don’t bother me I’m too busy pretending I’m important” Board of Directors of Osher Lifelong Learning Institute – played a group of FIPs (Formerly Important Persons) from a multitude of industries.

The Goon Squad from the Ashland Utilities Department who hang the draconian signs: “You’re a Delinquent Dolt! Pay up or we’ll feed you alive to Woo’s pigs!–on Ashland residents’ doors to shock and shame them – played by Godzilla, Dracula, and Freddie Krueger.

Casting the role of Michael “Mini Lord Voldemort” Black was troublesome for the producers. All A-list, B-list, C-list…through Z-list actors turned down the part. Even Kevin Spacey took a pass. So the producers turned to Monsanto–who created a talking biomass filled with toxic materials.

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OPENING SCENE – Interior – Conference Room in Ashland’s City Hall; catered spread by Lark’s Restaurant (in exchange for favors)

VOICE OVER by James Earl Jones: “Ever wonder how the term ‘Bumbling Bureaucrats’ originated? It is not a pretty scene, but rather a cautionary one. Watch, listen, and learn. Or else…”

Mayor Stromberg (hooked up to a caffeine drip) – nods off; wakes up; nods off; wakes up: “I hereby proclaim that the Senior Center is to be renamed The Center!”

Councilperson Darrow : “Why?”

The Mayor nods off. Snoring ensues.

Councilperson Seffinger: “Don’t question the Mayor.”

Councilperson Darrow: “I can’t now. He’s fallen asleep again. Can someone please wake him up so we can finish this meeting?”

Councilperson Rosenthal: “Women are to be seen and not heard.”

Councilperson Slattery: “I don’t see the benefit for me, myself, and I to wake the Mayor. I love these pastries! I’m going to take some home so I-I-I can have even more!”

Councilperson Jensen: “Why am I here again?”

Councilperson Darrow: “We’re trying to decide if the Senior Center Manager was fairly terminated. And if not, we owe her a huge apology, her job back, and lost compensation. Ditto for the four other women who were given the ax.”

Councilperson Rosenthal: “She was hired by a man. She can be fired by a man. And that includes any time he wants for any reason.”

Councilperson Seffinger: “I’m on record on video saying the Senior Center Manager did a terrific job. However, I retain my right to change my opinion and vote however you guys want me to vote.”

Mayor Stromberg wakes up. “Dag nab it! I told you not to call it a Senior Center!” Mayor Stromberg nods off. Snoring re-ensues.

Councilperson Seffinger: “So very sorry, Mayor, Your Highness. I will never disobey you again.”

Councilperson Rosenthal: “That’s the attitude we need around here. Men should never be humiliated based on their misdeeds. Just blame women.”

Councilperson Darrow: “Are we ever going to have an honest discussion about this atrocious situation?”

Councilperson Jensen: “Huh?”

Councilperson Slattery (mouth full): “Gol durn it. Who ate all the chocolate donuts? I-I-I want more!”

Mayor Stromberg wakes up. “Is it time for ‘Wheel of Fortune’ yet? Zzzzzz…”

Councilperson Darrow: “That does it. I’m outta here.”

Councilperson Rosenthal: “Now that’s the correct attitude. Women need to get out and stay out!”

Councilperson Slattery: “I see no more cookies. I-I-I move to adjourn the meeting.”

Offstage Voice #1: “Shouldn’t someone call the Mayor’s wife.”

Offstage Voice #2: “Not my job.”

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SCENES 2 – 19: More hjinks of the pernicious boneheaded kind by Ashland City Hall and Ashland institutions.

FINAL SCENE: Panoramic view from above Ashland. Loud trumpet music bellows throughout the town. A towering purple volcano punctures the earth’s crust and rises majestically between Pompadour Butte and Grizzly Peak Mountain. It shakes, rattles, and rolls. LAVA women (and their supporters) gather at the base. Disgusted with the years of self-serving behaviors by Ashland City Hall and like-minded institutions, they hold up signs: “LET THE LAVA FLOW!”

The camera pans slowly over the crowd of people; hopeful looks on their faces. The movie theme song plays in the background, a rewritten version of Green Day’s “Don’t Want to Be an American Idiot” changed to “Ashland Idiot” instead.

Cast of characters:

Chris D. – played by Sandra Bullock.

Pieter S. – played by Tom Hanks.

Sue M. W.* – played by Meryl Streep.

Sandra S. – played by Helen Mirren.

Claudia B. – played by Susan Sarandon.

Ed G. – played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

Susanne S. – played by Jennifer Lawrence.

David S. – played by Richard Gere.

Christine R. – played by Cate Blanchett.

Paul R. – played by Cary Grant.

Heidi G. – played by Reece Witherspoon.

Avram C. – played by Robert De Niro.

Sue T. W. – played by Brie Larson.

Kenneth W. – played by Chris Evans.

Garrett F. – played by Henry Golding.

Shaun M – played by Matt Damon.

Gwen D. – played by Annette Benning.

Glenda R. – played by Shirley Maclaine.

Rebecca C. – played by Sigourney Weaver.

Mary S. – played by Maggie Smith.

Wes B. – played by Jimmy Buffett.

Sharon L. – played by Judy Dench.

Dawn F. – played by Sally Fields.

Kay C. – played by Emma Stone.

Joy S. – played by Natalie Portman.

Stacey L. – played by Laura Linney.

Tim K. – played by Woody Harrelson.

Carol V. – played by Ashley Judd.

Regina A. – played by Juliana Margulies.

Chris H. – played by Thomas Jefferson.

Judy H. – played by Emma Thompson.

Bert E. – played by Viggo Mortenson.

Jamie McLeod-Skinner – played by Cynthia Nixon.

Jim F. – played by Jimmy Kimmel.

Diane S. – played by Michelle Dockery (her cousin).

The lovely Laurice P. – played by Lucille Ball.

Toni D. – played by Cher.

(* Assistant Casting Director)

BOOM! The volcano erupts! Molten fuchsia-colored lava sprays out the top like a hot pink sizzling waterfall, then cascades down the volcano toward the City. Soon-to-be ex-Fire Chief Mike D’Orazi (played by George Clooney in an Oscar-worthy portrayal) directs the lava flow so it only burns and singes the appropriate icky parts of Ashland –which differs from the real story where the entire town was bankrupted (morally and financially) and burnt to the ground–because Hollywood requires a happy ending. Especially if the producers want to make a sequel.

In the tinsel-town version of the story, Medivac helicopters fly overhead and dump dozens of heavy-duty brooms around the town. LAVA (and their supporters) start to sweep up the mess. They vow: “As God is our witness, we shall never be a haven for corrupt white males and their cronies again!”

Fade to fuchsia.

VOICE OVER – Porky Pig: “Th-Th-That’s all, folks!”

THE END

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P.S. The LAVA women, being the shrewd business people that they are, retained the merchandising rights to their name. Lots of cool stuff to be available soon at Outback in the Temple of Venus, Village Shoes, Nimbus, Paddington Station and Jewel Box, Kixx, Bloomsbury Books, and El Paraiso Restaurant.

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