Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com
www.fuchsiawoman.com/blog
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 38 – September 22, 2020
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“Satire…encourages discussion, debate, and critique. It can’t ruin our country. It can only strengthen it. If it’s not…uncovering the right social problems, we will stop paying attention to it. Satire only reminds us of the sad state of affairs; it doesn’t create them. It can’t mock what isn’t there.” – from Is Satire Saving Our Nation? Mockery and American Politics, by Sophia A. McClennen and Remy A. Maisel.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
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What’s Michael Cohen going to do now that he’s out of prison? He’s going to DizzyLand! AKA Ashland, Oregon. To hype his new reality TV show and find gawd-awful (i.e. entertaining) contestants. Turns out there are a dizzying amount of sleazy potential contestants in Ashland’s city government. Following is Cohen’s audition interview with City Councilperson and Mayoral Candidate Tonya Graham.
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Michael Cohen: “Hey, Tonya. Thanks for applying to be on my new show America’s Sleaziest Politicians. I’ve heard there are plenty of BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats) to chose from in your City Hall. That’s fantastic as I’m hell bent on getting better ratings than The Apprentice — so the more the merrier and sleazier the better.”
Tonya Graham: “Aren’t you violating the conditions of your home confinement prison sentence?”
MC: “I’ll never tell. (weird laugh) Let’s get down to business…”
TG: “How much money do I get if I win the show?”
MC: “A buck ninety-eight.”
TG: “Great! I’m in. Fire away.”
MC: “Is Lindsey Graham your evil twin brother?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Good one! Are you a Church Lady?”
TG: “Only when it serves my purpose.”
MC: “Do you know the difference between a Graham Cracker and a Saltine Cracker?”
TG: “Trick question. They’re the same thing. My mentor Rich Rosenthal told me that.”
MC: “Is it true that Lev and Igor sang at your last birthday party?”
TG: “Check it out on YouTube.”
MC: “Are you the ‘Tonya Graham Cracker’ mentioned in the Mueller Report who accompanied President Golden Showers to a Las Vegas nightclub?”
TG: “You wrote the book, buddy.”
MC: “In your political life, don’t you ever get tired of being on the take; being on the hunt; being on the sly; being on the sneak?”
TG: “Do you?”
MC: “Hell no! And you?”
TG: “What do you think?”
MC: “The late great and amazing Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a trailblazer for women’s rights.”
M.C. “Are you?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Isn’t it true that you supported the Vote NO position on the recall election of the three Parks & Recreation Commissioners responsible for five women losing their jobs?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “The recall situation was ten men in elected or important City Hall positions (Gardiner, Lewis, Landt, Black, Stromberg, Lohman, Rosenthal, Slattery, Heller, Miller) vs five women in lesser positions. Do you think the irreplaceable Ruth Bader Ginsburg would have voted NO on the recall?”
TG: “Gee, that’s a shame you can’t ask her directly. Guess we’ll never know.”
MC: “Aren’t the above-mentioned ten men supporting your candidacy for mayor? And aren’t the five women not?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Have you ever been a dissenter to the male point of view? Why is sucking up to men in power important to you? And why is the welfare of women not? In The Tidings newspaper (9/08/2020) you are quoted as saying that as mayor you ‘will build a close working relationship with the Jackson County sheriff to ensure that our community members are treated with respect and dignity in all interactions at the jail.’ Where was your concern for five of Ashland’s women employees who had their dignity ripped from their souls as they were thrown out the door of the Senior Center like a moldy tuna sandwich?”
TG: [No response. Mean-girl glare.]
MC: Did you agree with Rosenthal that the recall election was ‘one of the darkest days in Ashland history’? Did you agree with Mayor Stromberg when he said that the recall election should fail because a positive outcome ‘would humiliate three men’?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Did you agree with Slattery that in the Senior Center Debacle & Plaintiff Dodson vs The City of Ashland lawsuit that ‘mistakes were made on both sides’?”
TG: “Men in power don’t make mistakes. So it must have been the woman’s fault.”
MC: “Does this symbol mean anything to you?”
TG: “I was never good at math.”
MC: “A research study from the CDC…”
TG: “The Center for Doing Crap?”
MC: “No, the Center for Disease Control. Although I like the name of that other organization, too. You’ll have to fill me in on it when we’re finished here. But back to the CDC’s research–which was studying the infected minds at the Ashland City Hall. They found in fact that no mistakes were made by the five women involved in the Senior Center Debacle. Do you agree with scientists?”
TG: “Only when it suits my purpose.”
MC: “In the above-mentioned Tidings newspaper article you mentioned partnering up with Rosenthal and Slattery. Are you guys like The Three Musketeers? Or more like The Three Stooges?”
TG: [No response. If looks could kill…]
MC: “Last question about The Tidings. You get far more coverage than your opponent. Here’s you on the front page on August 24, 2020. Your opponent has never been on the front page. What’s up with that?”
TG: “I’m more photogenic.”
MC: “And here’s another article on September 19th. Out of all the ‘Ashland leaders’ to choose from, you get the quote on the front page.”
MC: “What’s up with that? You got some kind of quid pro quo going on with the biased faux-journalist Trump minion publisher Steven Saslow?”
TG: “Not offering quid pro quo. Just offering status quo.”
MC: “Moving on… Let’s talk about the Memorial Vigil for Supreme Court Justice Extraordinaire Ruth Bader Ginsburg held at the Ashland Plaza on Sunday evening.”
“The press release mentioned five politically active and feminist women who would be speaking at the event. You were not one of them. And yet you ended up being the first speaker at the event. How did you worm your way into participating in the event? Did you promise favors in return if elected Mayor?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “You brought a lackey with you to the RBG memorial — a woman who ran around before the memorial began and said ‘This is Tonya Graham! She’s running for Mayor!’ Do you think that people attending an event to pay their respects to national treasure Ruth Bader Ginsburg give a flapdoodle about the mayoral election at that time? Likewise, do you think this was an appropriate venue to broadcast your mayoral ambitions?”
TG: [No response. Big stink eye.]
MC: “In your RBG speech you gave several bullet points on how people should behave. My research assistant (who used to be a teenage girl) said that your speech sounded suspiciously identical to the Cliff Notes version of ‘Sure-Fire Speech To Get a Girl Elected Tenth Grade President.’ Did you plagiarize this speech?”
TG: “Do I get extra-credit points if I did?”
MC: “Absolutely!”
TG: “Well, there you go.”
MC: “Great. Let’s discuss your speech. One of the bullet points was ‘Be strategic.’ What does this mean?”
TG: “No idea. It sounded good.”
MC: “Another bullet point was ‘Be fierce.’ Please explain.”
“TG: “Sharpen your teeth and chomp like a gator.”
MC: “OK–I like it! Another bullet point was ‘Be kind.’ When an Ashland citizen made a contribution to your opponent, you wrote a fund-raising letter condemning this person as having nefarious motivations — yet you have never met this person. Was this a kind thing to do?”
TG: “I meant ‘Be kind’ to me.”
MC: “Your letter had a whiney, desperate tone, like your campaign is faltering. Are you hard up for money?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Is that why you wore a green blouse instead of black clothing as the RBG Memorial flyer requested? A subliminal message to get peeps to send you greenbacks?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “My friend Mike Bloomberg spent nearly one billion dollars on his presidential campaign and got no where–except with Floridian criminals. Why do you think a lousy couple grand will corrupt Ashland politics? Don’t city hall officials already do that–for a whole lot more money? Is that viewpoint from first-hand experience that you think Ashlanders are easily bamboozled? Or maybe you think they’re on the dumb side?”
“TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “It is a tradition in American politics that during a campaign — no matter how heated — if a candidate has a family emergency and suspends his/her campaign temporarily to take care of personal business — then the opponent will also suspend his/her campaign out of courtesy. Your opponent had such a family emergency. But you did not suspend your campaign activities. Instead, you ratcheted it up–like Nurse Ratched on steroids–and weaseled your way onto the roster of speakers for the RBG service. First of all, was this kind? And secondly, do you consider your behavior hypocritical considering the fact that another bullet point in your RBG speech was ‘Respect your opponent.’?”
TG: “One person’s priority is another person’s impropriety. It is what it is.”
MC: “Was there any particular reason you left right after your speech and did not bother to listen to the other female speakers?”
TG: “I’m only interested in what I have to say.”
MC: “Another bullet point in your RBG speech was ‘Make friends with people who think differently than you.’ An Ashland citizen sent you a $10.00 donation. You returned it–presumably because this was the nefarious Ashlander mentioned earlier. Again, was this kind? Was this friendly? If you win the mayoral race, do you plan to only represent those people you like?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “Another bullet point in your RBG speech was ‘Tell the truth.’ So tell me about the lack of truth on your ORESTAR page. I’m thinking maybe you lost your direction on te road to campaign finance laws.”
MC: “There are many contributions over the amount of $100 and yet you do not list who the money came from as required by election law. Instead you list these donations as ‘Miscellaneous Cash Contributions $100 and under.’ Such as:
8/15/2020: Transaction Number 8538298 – Amount: $300.
8/17/2020: Transaction Number 3538758 – Amount: $600.
8/18/2020: Transaction Number 3540761 – Amount: $265.
8/19/2020: Transaction Number 3541810 – Amount: 250.
8/20/2020: Transaction Number 3542646 – Amount $200.
8/21/2020: Transaction Number 3545309 – Amount: $250.
8/28/2020: Transaction Number 3550233 – Amount $150.
9/08/2020: Transaction Number 3565085 – Amount $300.
9/18/2020: Transaction Number 3579375 – Amount $150.
“This is a partial list and too many to be just a clerical error. In fact there were so many discrepancies my research assistant had to take a break from recording them all. Whose identity are you protecting?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “In the last election you supported two bond measures that failed by a two-to-one margin. What does it say about your political instincts that you misread the mood of Ashlanders so badly?”
TG: “That 67% of them were the ones who misread things.”
MC: “You supported the hiring of long-time City Hall fixture Adam Hanks for a permanent position as City Administrator. When over 130 angry Ashlanders sent emails opposing this appointment, you changed your vote to hire someone else. What does this say about your leadership skills, level of integrity, ability to think for yourself, and commitment to your beliefs that you flip-flopped so easily?”
TG: “You’re asking a POLITICIAN that question??”
MC: “Are you allergic to change?”
TG: “Heck no! I love change. I love dollars. I love buckaroos; bills; and bankrolls. Pesos; pounds; and payola. I love all kinds of money!”
MC: “What I’m referring to is your campaign–which is a referendum on maintaining business-as-usual in Ashland. In other words–zero change. How much have Stromberg, Lohman, Rosenthal, Slattery, Seffinger, Jensen, Black, Gardiner, Lewis, Landt, Bell, Hanks, Dials, Gray, Glatt, and Shaw donated to you to preserve the status quo? Ashlanders would like to know. Since you love money so much, aren’t you just bursting with pride about getting the moola? Why the lack of transparency? What does that say about your level of honesty with this lack of disclosure?”
TG: “I’ll never tell. But pretty dang sleazy, don’t you think?”
MC: “As a matter of fact I do. But take it from me. I thought I would never be indicted for all the unlawful shenanigans I pulled–and look what happened to me. Although on the upside it does add to the sleaze factor. Do you think the tepid applause after your speech at the RBG memorial is an indication of the tepid response of the general public toward your ‘I Wanna Be Mayor’ campaign?”
TG: “Oh hell no. Give me an audience full of befuddled old-guard-supporting women and sexist ageist old-thinking white men and I’ll run the table! You can bet on it, pal!”
MC: “Did it ever occur to you that instead of throwing out bullets in your RBG speech, you should have spoken from the heart? Maybe tried to actually sound sincere?”
TG: “Sincerity is for losers. And I plan on winning.”
MC: “OK–I like self-confidence. Even if it is misplaced. Tell me about the organization Adopt-a-Neighbor. There appears to be something really wonky going on here — besides the perpetuation of Ashland City Hall’s Nest of Cronyism. The Secretary of State for Oregon does not list it as a non-profit. Yet you have siphoned left-over funds from your 2018 campaign to pay for this group’s website in April 2020. If it’s not a non-profit, you can’t legally have used the dough in this way. What’s the story with this org? Who stands to benefit? Who is qualified to gather the names of the vulnerable senior citizens? Who has access to this data? What is the City’s involvement? How is it financed? My research assistant is still on break but eventually I (or the State) will figure out this ?? — dare I call it malfeasance?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “My producers told me that you plan to use the Office of the Mayor for personal financial gain. AND to further your political career–like taking over Jeff Golden’s State Senate seat when he retires. True?”
TG: “I’ll never tell.”
MC: “You know, Tonya, that response is very telling.”
TG: “As long as it tells you I’m no sucker and in it to win it, I’m good. But not State Senate, Michael. I’m thinking U.S. Senate — like my new friend Jessica.”
MC: “Speaking of campaigns, what is your all-time favorite slogan?”
TG: “Lock her up!”
MC: “Okey-dokey. Let’s wrap this up. My last question: The latest PEW Research Center Poll of 1000 Ashlanders asked them to list words that describe you. The top answers were: hypocritical; sneaky; power-hungry; out-of-touch; and self-serving. As Rachel Maddow always says on her show — and boy would I love to have her ratings — ‘Did I leave anything out or did I not describe the situation as accurate as possible?’ Any other words you can think of?”
TG: [Long pause.] “Well, Michael, I’m gonna give you this one — cuz it takes a sleaze to know a sleaze. And I feel a kinship with you. My twin Lindsey and I pretend to abhor the whole Graham Cracker concept.”
TG: “But we know we really are Graham Crackers — a non-nutritious snack food. And we love it!!”
MC: “Good luck on the show, Tonya. You just might win the whole $1.98!“
TG: “I’m counting on it! By the way, can I get a free autographed copy of your book. I want to sell it on EBay.”
MC: (Thinking to himself) There’s got to be a better way to earn a living.
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Up next: Michael Cohen interviews another Ashland, Oregon sleazoid, City Councilperson Rich Rosenthal. Cohen skewers him like a BuBu-kabob.
This will create an even more “unfortunate” event than the one Rosenthal complained about on Open Door.